An Unsolicited Letter from One Who Wants to Remain Anonymous

Dan,

I must start by stating that I am not a long-term resident of Long Island or The Hamptons. I am wintering here because I am in the process of moving to New York and decided to rent a home in Southampton, with my long-term girlfriend, while deciding exactly where we want to finally settle down. So I don’t know too much about the area except what I overhear at The Market, Pierre’s or at the Barber Shop. Oh yeah, and my most important source of information…Dans Papers. For instance I had no idea that Jackson Pollock was still alive, which I learned from reading your paper. Thank God I dumped my Pollock before the word got out and the value tanked. Anyhow, I have learned all about the area including old man McGumbus and his antics. I have even used the paper to seek out some of the restaurants and vendors featured. But all this is quite removed from the point of my writing.

One of the things I decided to do when I relocated to New York was to start giving back. I have always made donations and the usual stuff, but I mean giving of my actual time. When we arrived, my other half beat me to the punch and immediately started communications with a great organization called Dress for Success. They provide economic independence for disadvantaged women by providing professional attire and career development tools. Not to be outdone, I decided to start really giving back. For instance, in the first week of January there was a day where the wind blew strong from whatever direction the wind blows. Just as I was taking the Zeus out for a poop break, I noticed the neighbor’s trashcan lid had become separated from the main receptacle. Ignoring my own safety, I retrieved the cover and returned it to its proper place. I did this without fanfare and have not sought accolades. But even that was not enough to satisfy my need to give back. So that brings me to the point of this writing.

After significant contemplation, I have decided to give something to Dan Rattiner. This is a token of my appreciation for the information and occasional enjoyment gleaned from the efforts of the Editor at Large or whatever Dan is. I do not know Dan Rattiner and have never even seen a picture of him so I really don’t know if he is large at all. But his size is irrelevant to me and my desire to give back.

During my many hours of reading Dans Papers, mostly in the bathroom, one thing has become evident to me; Dan writes a lot of the articles himself. I don’t know if this is because he is a control freak, a workaholic or just trying to save money. The real reason doesn’t matter to me because I want to give to a cause without judgment. I understand it must take a lot of Dan’s time to write so many interesting columns on a weekly basis. Now with his latest acquisition of Long Wharf, he must really be busy. So I thought if I would write an article, it would give Dan an extra hour this week to dedicate to something other than writing for Dans Papers. Perhaps he might even donate that hour to another worthy cause and in turn this would be a “pay it forward” type of deal. So that is the reason for my writing. Because this is an anonymous donation, I am not even offering my first name. If I did that, it would mean I was in it for the wrong reasons. So Dan Rattiner, if you should so choose to publish this writing in you fine paper, I will sleep well knowing I have made a contribution by giving you one of the most important gifts of all…the gift of time.

P.S. Could you make sure if you do print this piece that you take the time to check my spelling, grammar and form. My girlfriend gets real mad when I write something that is not correct. It shouldn’t take you more than an hour.

—Mr. Sneiv