Hamptons Police Blotter: Dog Walkers, Lousy Nephews

Lot’s of wild things happened in the Hamptons this weekend, including the arrest of a dog walker, a man who became trapped in a bathroom by some clever homeowners, and even a lousy nephew who felt like punching his uncle in the face! Only in the Hamptons.

Very Bad

A dog walker in Westhampton was arrested after he was caught stealing thousands of dollars worth of jewelry from his clients and then selling the jewelry at pawnshops. Police arrested the dog walker after they pulled him over and he was in possession of the stolen goods. While arresting the dog walker they explained to him that he, “Had been very bad. That was very, very, very bad. Bad dog…walker.”


Trapped Like Rat

Southampton Town police arrested a burglar who was locked inside of a bathroom in a home in Westhampton. Residents of the home were able to nab the burglar and lock him up. The owner of the home being robbed may be…Chuck Norris.



An 18-year-old man in East Hampton was arrested for criminal mischief after he punched his uncle square in the face. The man’s mother told him that he could not have friends over to her house, nor was he allowed to be drinking alcohol. When his uncle tried to intervene, he was sucker punched square in the jaw. Ah, the future of America.


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 106 years old and former World War II submarine painter, along with Sue McBisquick, 59 years old and retired Chief Human Resources Management Executive Officer for the Shelter Island Library, were arrested last week for lewd behavior. McBisquick and McGumbus are frequently at odds with one another, but things escalated into violence after McGumbus attempted to return the biography, Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson three weeks late at the Shelter Island Library. According to the report, McBisquick demanded that McGumbus pay the $14 late fee while she was waiting online to return her book, Tools For Effective Management. McGumbus screamed, “THIS IS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS MCBISQUICK!” and shoved McBisquick, who then shoved McGumbus back and threw a copy of Green Eggs and Ham at McGumbus. According to the police report, “The two then began to wrestle each other to the ground, but somehow, the wrestling escalated to romance and then to unacceptable sexual activity.” When police arrived to make the arrest, they found McGumbus in his underpants, laying down in the non-fiction section, smoking a Marlboro Red cigarette. McBisquick was found in the library bathroom washing her hands stating the words over and over again, “I can’t get clean…why can’t I get clean?” Both were released on their own recognizance.


Copper Pipe

Copper pipes and copper gutters were stolen from two separate houses in East Hampton last week. The estimated value for the copper is over five billion dollars, because you know, copper is freaking expensive these days.


– By David Lion Rattiner

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