Celebrity S.O.S.: Hamptons 5-Diamond Celebrity Response At Your Service

By Mr. Sneiv

Have you seen the television show “Shark Tank?” It features a panel of five wealthy investors called “Sharks” who consider offers from entrepreneurs seeking investors for their business or product. If the Sharks like the idea, they will make an offer on the spot to be an investor in the product. Well, I have had a thousand of these ideas in my lifetime. I think most people do but don’t take the initiative to advance the idea.

Long before sunglasses for dogs, known as Doggles, were invented, I am pretty sure I had a similar idea. And way before that Housewife of New York launched that Skinnygirl Liquor line, I had the idea of a similar concept except it was called “No honey you don’t look fat in that dress cocktail.” My inaction has probably cost me millions. So now I have decided to do something about it. I am going to get off my ass and actually become an entrepreneur.

I might need some rich Shark-types from Dan’s Papers to front me a little seed money so here’s my business plan:

Introducing HAMPTONS FIVE-DIAMOND CELEBRITY RESPONSE COMPANY! We all know that the Hamptons are a playground for the rich and famous. Consequently, they want to be treated as such. Under the plan, for an annual payment of $100,000, if a celebrity has an accident or an emergency, while in the designated area, they will be entitled to our rapid response services. What are those services you ask? It’s a full-blown White Glove Celebrity Emergency Response Team for when those occasions arise that might need to be handled delicately.

Let me elaborate; let’s say Lindsay Lohan was visiting and wrecked her car into a particular town windmill. A Rolls Royce will immediately be dispatched to the site along with a private physician and a public relations advisor. The physician would immediately escort her into the Rolls before the paparazzi can arrive and take embarrassing pictures. If she needed some medical assistance, there would be no necessity to go to the hospital. She would be whisked away to our Celebrity Safe House until the whole incident blew over. All the while, our public relations person would remain on-site to handle questions, make denials and even issue checks for damages. We even have what we call a “Plant Person.” Their function is to jump behind the wheel of the celebrity car and pretend they were driving, thus taking the fall for the celebrity. And it’s not just car accidents we will be responding to. A wardrobe malfunction, no problem, as we keep a vast selection of designer dresses, suits and tuxedos in all sizes in the trunk of the car. We will be prepared for almost any celebrity emergency including Public Intoxication, nervous breakdowns, stalkers, and bad hair days…etc.

Think how many celebrities would have saved themselves a lot of public embarrassment and humiliation if they had had this type of service at their disposal. How will the celebrities let us know they need help? Subscribers will be fitted with a 20-carat men’s or women’s diamond watch complete with a hidden signaling device and GPS tracking. Push the button and we will be there in a matter of minutes. We will have at least four separate response teams stationed around the area.

Rolling out my idea will not be cheap. I have located an estate in Montauk that is a steal at $20 million. Besides serving as a Celebrity Safe House it will be our Central Command Center. Of course I will need to live there rent-free, so I can oversee the day-to-day operations. I think we can get a good deal on Rolls Royces, since we will be buying in bulk. We can get the watches made in China because everything can be made cheaper over there. Finding staff will be easy because unemployment is still high. The rest of the details I will work out once we have funding.

So that’s the basics of the plan. I figure we can get it going for as little as $40 dollars. So you are the Sharks and I am in the “Shark Tank.” If you like my idea, please send your investment checks, cash or money orders to Dan’s Papers c/o THE PROPOSED HAMPTONS FIVE-DIAMOND CELEBRITY RESPONSE COMPANY.

Scratch that. I think I will pursue my other idea, which turns raw sewage into gasoline.


Note: The author has no knowledge of Lindsay Lohan’s driving skills and thus only offers her as a hypothetical example of what could happen. The town windmills remain at guard without damage.

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