Hamptons Police Blotter: Man Falls Off Horse, Is Stable

Who would have thought that trouble would be afoot at the Shelter Island Deer Run Pharmacy? We sure didn’t think that there would be any problems. And if you were a cop helping a duck that was bit by a dog, well, that duck didn’t need any dang help! It’s been an odd week for all of us.

Refused Treatment

A dog attacked a duck in Southampton last week. The owner of the dog received a violation for not having his dog on a leash. The duck was injured, but refused medical treatment.



A man in Montauk reportedly walked up to an officer and asked him how he could legally “kick the crap out of” another man who was sleeping with his girlfriend. There are no words here.



A man injured himself last week in Southampton after he suffered a fall off of a rocking horse that he recently bought for his nephew and was demonstrating how to use it. Doctors described the man’s condition as “stable.”


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 106-years-old and former World War II Psychological Warfare Chemist, was arrested last week after he attempted to buy a three-pack box of Trojan Magnum XXL condoms from the Shelter Island Deer Run Pharmacy, which is owned and operated by Suzie McBisquick, 78-years-old, and former Department of Motor Vehicles Marketing Specialist. McGumbus attempted to purchase the three-pack using his credit card, but McBisquick refused to sell him the box because there is a credit card minimum charge of $20.

“Just sell me my damn condoms, Suzie! I won’t ask again!”

“There’s a $20 credit card minimum McGumbus! You need to buy something else.”

“I’ll buy whatever the hell I damn well please. This is America damn it!”

All of the following was recorded on the pharmacy’s security cameras. After the argument took place, McGumbus, condom-less, walked outside of the store and re-entered the store with a baseball bat and began batting down shelves throughout the store. He began by smashing through the adult diapers and bottles of Ensure at the front of the store. Then he began smashing the cash register and throwing candy bars at McBisquick, who McGumbus formerly dating for 22 years. They never married. McBisquick, not to be intimidated, wrestled McGumbus to the floor and a fight broke out. McBisquick, who is very strong, threw McGumbus into a display case of KY Jelly, which is quite oddly on display next to the Caltrate Calcium vitamins and fish oil vitamins. And then, oddly, the two of them began to kiss, and made love in the store, which began to catch on fire after a spark from the destroyed cash register lit up a bottle of lighter fluid. Police arrested McGumbus after the Shelter Island Fire Department put out the fire. McBisquick is expected to press charges. The entire incident, which took place on video, thanks to the security cameras, was uploaded by somebody onto youtube.com and has since become a viral video with over 250 million views and counting.


–David Lion Rattiner

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