The Hamptons Police Blotter: Ice Cream, Whales and Fires

When a dead whale washed ashore in the Hamptons, Old Man McGumbus was called up to carry it off of the beach, but unfortunately, he was tied up putting out a fire. Every once in a while you need an ice-cream fix, and a guy in Southampton broke into a store to get one. Weird stuff.

Free Beer?

A bar in the Hamptons put a sign out on in front of their establishment that read, “Free Beer, Topless Women and False Advertising.” Frequent calls were made to the bar by residents that told the owner of the bar that false advertising is illegal…and then they asked, “Are there really topless women?”


Needed Some Ice-Cream I Guess

A man in Southampton broke into a store and made off with several pints of ice-cream. He left some money behind to cover the ice-cream tab. There are no leads.



A commercial fishing boat in Montauk ran aground while entering Block Island  Sound, and needed to be re-floated and dragged off by a salvage crew. The name of the boat, ironically, is “DOH!”

Dead Whale

A large, dead pygmy sperm whale washed ashore in West Hampton Dunes last week. The whale was removed by a crew of men who literally picked up the dead 800 pound carcass and dragged it to a flatbed truck. The sperm whale was driven off, the men that carried it to the flatbed trucks went on to their next job in the Hamptons, which included watching the movie “Die Hard”, changing a few tires on their pick-up trucks, never taking off their tool belts, smelling their own farts, talking baseball, drinking from the milk carton and putting together a Webster Grill without using the instructions.


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 106-years-old and former World War II tank operator, was called upon last week by authorities in Westhampton to carry an 800 pound whale from the beach that had washed ashore there. McGumbus, unable to perform the duty, called up his grandsons to take care of the petty task and who handled the situation successfully. McGumbus was unable to respond to the whale because he had been arrested for peeing in public. McGumbus was spotted by police peeing on a house and was immediately arrested, but was later released after the fire department confirmed that McGumbus was simply putting out a large kitchen fire that had broken out at Suzie McBisquick’s house. “What can I say?” McGumbus said in a public statement, “I was killing to birds with one stone.”

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