The Hamptons Subway: Week of June 22-29, 2012

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Mitt Romney made his first appearance on Hampton Subway, walking the aisles of all the cars on the eastbound train out of Westhampton Beach around noon on Tuesday and waving to everybody until he got to Montauk, where he flew away in his private plane.

SUBWAY ON-TIME 100%

After Mayor Bloomberg issued a report last month that the subway system there is on-time 87% of the time, and he is pleased about this, we ran our own on-time survey. The results are as follows: Hampton Bays on-time rate 100%, East Quogue on-time rate 100%, Quogue on-time rate 100%, Westhampton Beach on-time rate 100%, Remsenberg on-time rate 100%, Shinnecock on-time rate 100%, Southampton on-time rate 100%, Water Mill on-time rate 100%, Bridgehampton on-time rate 100%, Sag Harbor on-time rate 100%, East Hampton on-time rate 100%, Amagansett on-time rate 100%, Springs on-time rate 100%, Three Mile Harbor on-time rate 100%, Montauk downtown on-time rate 100%, Montauk Lighthouse on-time rate 100%. Overall, the on-time rate for all stations is 100%. We believe this is tops in the country for 2012.

FORGED SUBWAY SWIPE CARDS

Be on the lookout for the latest in forged subway “swipe” cards. The cards are very easy to identify. They read HAMTON SUBWAY rather than HAMPTON SUBWAY and they do not work in the turnstiles. If you are given or purchase such a swipe card and are therefore in possession of it, take it immediately to any employee of Hampton Subway. There is a mandatory jail sentence of four years for possession of a forged subway swipe card.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

The Goldberg triplets are 29 years old on Saturday. All three work at Hamton Subway. Jose Goldberg works in the bookkeeping department at our headquarters building in Hanpton Bays, brother Vladimir is a flagman between East Hampton and Amagansett and brother Throckmorton is a subway police lieutenant assigned to the anti-hop-the-turnstiles unit. Sometimes, just for fun, the three of them swap jobs with one another and that’s always fun. It’s impossible to tell them apart. But it all seems to work out. There will be a little party for Throckmorton, Vladimir and Jose in the company cafeteria on Monday at 5 p.m. just after everybody gets off work. Non-alcoholic red wine will be served. Please be prepared to donate triple the usual amount at that time.

DAN’S PAPERS OUR GUESTS

Last Saturday was Dan’s Papers day at the Hampton Subway office in Hampton Bays. The staff of Hampton Subway invited Dan’s Papers staff members to a lunch in the subway cafeteria at noon. The reason for the party was to celebrate the fact that for three years, the Dan’s Papers has re-printed the Hampton Subway newsletter every week in its pages, giving our newsletter, which is normally only distributed inside our building, a much wider audience. A particular thank you went to CEO and Publisher Bob Edelman who was given a “loving cup” by Commissioner Aspinall just before dessert.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S REPORT

There was a report that the subway trains, which maintain a steady speed of 36 miles an hour, were slowing down on Thursday, in the morning to 32 miles an hour and then down to 29 miles an hour in the afternoon. When I had somebody look into this, I found that Thursday’s gift promotion courtesy of the Long Island Potato and Broccoli Commission, where 50-pound burlap sacks of potatoes were given out to every rider who came through the turnstiles, had gone awry. Many of the riders, ungrateful at receiving this gift, left the sacks in the subway cars when they got to their destinations. If we catch any of the riders who did this, we will arrest them on charges of littering.