Hamptons Police Blotter: Public Urination And An 8-Foot Sand Shark

Only in the Hamptons will  you catch a guy with his pants down and yellow handed. Yellow handed you say? Trust me, you’ll know what I mean as you read on…


A man in Montauk with his pants down was approached by a police officer in the middle of the evening. He was caught red handed, urinating in public. When the officer explained to the man that what he was doing was illegal and that he was going to be written a summons, the man then made a run for it, but still with his pants down.

During his brief escape, the man tripped over his pants and fell to the ground, where he became uncooperative and “flailed his arms and kicked his legs.” The officer arrested the man and then subsequently found a small vial of a white powdery substance that was later identified as cocaine.



A young man who was sleeping in his car in the middle of the road in East Hampton was found to be intoxicated. He gave police a fake ID that stated he was over the age of 21 (which he isn’t) and when he was arrested, he kicked the window of the police vehicle he was placed in and shattered it. Well that’s one way to get a criminal record.


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 103-year-old former World War II flame thrower infantryman, and president of the Foreign Affairs Reporting Trust, also known as FART for short, was giving a speech at FART headquarters located on the South Side of the island. “We have a problem that’s right in our face, and the problem is loud, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s embarrassing. Just talking about it puts a bad taste in my mouth, but I’m here to lead, not to follow. None of us here can stand the silent but deadly menace that is sending rips of violent, dangerous, loud and painful tones through our community.  As FART President I will do everything in my power to rid Shelter Island of the hippie menace that is ruining our youth and our nation. I simply cannot hold this in any longer. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”

It was at this point that McGumbus became so angry that he kicked the podium that he was giving his speech from, however the podium, which apparently is made of Shelter Island Oak, the strongest wood in the United States, didn’t budge and McGumbus broke his leg. The FART conference was rescheduled and McGumbus was airlifted to Stony Brook Hospital where he was treated and released.


Sand Shark

An 8-foot sand shark was caught just off the shores of Amagansett by a local fisherman on Saturday. Sand sharks, which are known for NOT eating people, still looked really, really, really freaking scary if you ask this writer. The shark survived being caught and was released back into the water.

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