Hamptons Police Blotter: You’ve Got Mail

In the Hamptons this week, along with the goings on of Old Man McGumbus, drug addicts were caught, a woman had some mail trouble, and Jason Kidd got into a car accident.


No Birthdays

A woman on the North Fork reported to police that she believes somebody is stealing her mail. She believes this because it was recently her birthday and she received not a single birthday card from any of her friends or family.



Sag Harbor, was arrested on drug charges on July 14 in the Amagansett Square. Police said they saw a truck parked in the square’s parking lot with the engine running and the doors open. When police put a spotlight on the man standing at the rear of the vehicle, the man threw something under the truck. Police said a marijuana smell was emanating from the mans clothes and breath. A search of the vehicle revealed a rolled $100 bill with residue of a white powdery substance. Police found the same substance in two paper envelopes. Two more envelopes with the same substance in it were found under the truck. It later tested positive for heroin.


Jason Kidd

Jason Kidd got a DWI in Water Mill. Many Knicks fans wept.


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 101-years-old, former World War II submarine captain, and current President of SHTITY (The Shelter Island Technical Institute For International Yachters) was arrested last week for assault with a deadly weapon. McGumbus was hosting The SHTITY Race, where he was competing in his custom made, 27 foot O’Day sailboat in a race around Shelter Island. McGumbus has won the event 43 years in a row, but was accused of cheating during the awards ceremony by Hans Sheeganflausen, a German National who invented the windshield wiper. “This awards ceremony is a sham. McGumbus had his engine going during the entire race, I saw it with my own eyes!”

“YOU GOD DAMN NAZI!” McGumbus yelled, and threw the SHTITY trophy, which weighs 20 pounds, at Hans. McGumbus then pulled out of his pocket a 357 Magnum and pointed it at Hans, but was instantly tackled by security and subsequently arrested.

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