Week of July 27 – August 3, 2012

Riders this past week: 16,812

Rider miles this past week: 177,845

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Justin Bieber was spotted Friday riding from Amagansett to East Hampton with an entourage of pre-teens. They filled up a whole subway car.

NEW SLINGSHOT SUBWAY CAR MAKES DEBUT 

A fledgling subway car manufacturing company brought one of their newest creations to the Hampton Subway last Wednesday. It’s the “Slingshot Car” and although this is just a test model, it was thought by the owners of the company that having it attached to the end of a famous Hampton Subway train for a day would bring out curious rich people who might like to invest in Slingshot Subway Co.

All the seats on the Slingshot Subway Model 1.0 are on springloaded rails inside the car. When the subway train lurches forward out of the station, the seats slide back on the rails for a bit, then, playing catch up, slide back to the starting position as the train reaches cruising speed. When the train slows, the seats move forward at first, then slide back to the starting position as the train comes to a halt.

“The result is a sort of zero gravity effect,” said Charles Wallbanger, the CEO of the new company. “It’s like riding on air.”

Most people who rode in the car later said they felt sick with all the sliding. Wallbanger said that was natural the first time or two, but people get used to it.

SUPERPAC ADS WANTED

Hampton Subway is now soliciting political advertising for inside the subway cars. Beginning on August 1, all the current ads will be taken down, and only ads for either Obama or Romney will be accepted. Hampton Subway is anxious to get some of that $2 billion in campaign advertising expected to be spent. Our riders will read these messages and be swayed to vote one way or another by them.

NEW LOGO FOR HAMPTONS SUBWAY

The competition to create the new logo for Hampton Subway has ended and the winner is Bellhop and Scandal of Manhattan. The new logo, if approved by our Commissioner, will result in a change in the name of Hampton Subway. It will be Hamptons Subway, with an “s” at the end of Hampton.

“People are currently confused by the name Hampton Subway,” Henry Bellhop explained. “They think it refers to just one Hampton. And they don’t know which one it is.”

The new logo has the two words merged as one, with the two S letters capitalized and pushed together like this: hamptonSSubway.

“The SS will be everywhere,” Bellhop says. “It will remind people of those zappy military uniforms worn by the Germans during World War II with the SS on them.”

Bellhop made his announcement in front of the Hampton Subway Building in Hampton Bays, the only building in America ever built to the brutal designs of Albrecht Speer, the architect to the Fuehrer during that war. A big blinking neon SS sign is now on the roof of that building.

NEW WHITE UNIFORMS

All token booth operators and subway conductors will be dressed in new white linen uniforms beginning on August 1. White linen is the dress de rigour of the Hamptons. It’s what F. Scott Fitzgerald and his friends wore. So the Subway is now “With it,” to coin a phrase.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

So I return from my well-earned two week vacation in the South of France to find that without me here for just two weeks they’ve done what? Put subway cars on the back that make people sick? Change the logo to match those of the Nazi Stormtroopers? Buy white linen uniforms that will be covered with soot within a week? Soliciting political advertising when campaigning in the subway is against the rules? I’ve got a lot to undo.