Hamptons Police Blotter: Toothpaste Attacks, Shelter Island Violence

Toothpaste Attack
A woman in Southampton called police after a man threw toothpaste and a coffee mug at her during an argument. When police arrived, no arrests were made because charges were not pressed. There were no reports of anybody with terrible coffee breath in the area.

Bad Driver
A woman was pulled over and was found to have an open bottle of whiskey and prescription pills inside her car. When police ran her license, they found that she had received two DWI convictions. And did we mention that she was also intoxicated while she was driving?

Shelter Island
Old Man McGumbus, 104 years old, President and Founder of the American Authority For Hippie Detection and Eradication, 1953 world champion kickboxer, world record holder for most kicks to the face of an opponent during a 60-second round, Chairman for the Shelter Island Ancient Order Of Barbarian Swordsmen, and former World War II battleship commander, was arrested last week after an altercation with two men at the Shelter Island Coffee and Record Store. McGumbus became irate when he heard one 23-year-old man in a Beatles t-shirt complain that his health insurance was too expensive. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH OF A GIANT P&$$Y YOU SOUND LIKE RIGHT NOW?! GROW A PAIR OF &@%%$ YOU @#[email protected]#[email protected]!$ HIPPIE! AND TAKE OFF THAT DAMN SCARF!” McGumbus then flipped the coffee table, sending a cinnamon latte and African herbal tea flying through the air, and proceeded to karate-kick the man complaining about his health care, while simultaneously punching the other man in the stomach. Police arrived after McGumbus was spotted pulling the Beatles shirt over one man’s head and brutally whipping him on his back with an umbrella. While being arrested McGumbus could be heard yelling, “I hope your health insurance covers getting an old-fashioned ass whooping for embarrassing America, you @#[email protected]#$!”
McGumbus was released on his own recognizance. He released a statement through his press secretary: “To the people of Shelter Island, I’m sorry I did not beat more of the crap out of those whining bastards. I will do better next time.”

Animal Noises
A woman in Hampton Bays called police to report that she was being harassed by her neighbor who would make loud animal noises whenever she arrived at her house. The final straw was when the neighbor started making whale noises. That just ain’t right.

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