Dear Santa, Please Fix the Naughty People

That time of year has arrived when children everywhere write the most important letter of the year—that wish list for Santa. But why should Kris Kringle be burdened with delivering the goods to everyone who decided to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and send out a please-I’ve-been-good-so-bring-me-this-or-that note?

I for one am not going to make Santa’s job any more difficult than it has to be. My holiday wish list can be filled by plenty of others, no sleigh required.

Dear Southampton Cigarette Smokers,

What are you doing smoking cigarettes at Southampton Hospital? It’s bad enough that the hospital had to evacuate a few weeks ago and the Southampton Fire Department be called because of the fire you likely caused by tossing a butt into a grate. But the real rub is that you are even smoking at the hospital to begin with. It’s like eating ice cream outside a gym, only worse (I’m not sure the last time ice cream started a fire, but it probably wasn’t recently). I have to hope that the one incident is enough for you to take the smokes elsewhere.

Dear Rex Ryan,

This is really starting to get embarrassing. Every fan with a pulse has known for weeks that you’ve needed to bench Sanchez. I believe that, deep down, the entire reason the Jets signed Tim Tebow was because you knew that Sanchez was going to need to be replaced. But you didn’t foresee Tebow’s being injured when you’d need him—you just didn’t see it coming, like so many other things that have happened this season. Well, we got a glimpse of Greg McElroy, who everybody likes, a serious quarterback New York can rally behind, but you won’t give him just a real chance, because, after all, Sanchez and Tebow need their 300th chances to prove themselves. I think Tebow would make a great starting quarterback when he’s healthy, but Sanchez and one touchdown a game aren’t going to cut it.

Dear Warner Bros Studios,

Please, I’m begging you, allow the new Superman movie, Man of Steel, to be as awesome as The Dark Knight. Man of Steel is going to get me to the theater with a heart filled with hope, hope that maybe, for once, you will finally get Superman right. Marvel and Columbia got Spiderman right, you guys knocked it out of the park with Batman over the years, and now it’s Superman’s time. And we all need him.

Dear Apple,

Please make the next version of the iPhone waterproof. I will be so happy if you just design an iThing that I can take into the tub (along with a bowl of Cheetos) and not worry about dropping in the water. The time has come.

Dear Santa,

I don’t really want anything, I really don’t. I live in the Hamptons—what more could I ask for?

Read David Lion Rattiner’s take on all things Hamptons every day—and tell us what you have on your Hamptons holiday wish list—on Dan’s Daily at

More from Our Sister Sites