The Hamptons Subway

The Hamptons Subway Newsletter Week of December 27 – January 3, 2012

Riders this past week: 14,721

Rider miles this past week: 112,414


Jerry Seinfeld and Madonna were seen riding the subway heading west from Amagansett.


Forty-six stockings were hung around the Christmas tree with care by the management of Hamptons Subway in the company cafeteria of the Hamptons Subway headquarters building in Hampton Bays on Christmas Eve. In them were not only candy canes but also clear acrylic paperweights with a photo of our Subway Commissioner, Bill Aspinall, floating in the center. Employees of the company were therefore able to pick up their holiday gift at the end of that day’s work BEFORE they went home to spend Christmas Eve with their families.


All employees, don’t forget, that January 5 is voting day to select the next Subway Commissioner. It comes every two years and the two candidates are our present commissioner, Bill Aspinall, who has been doing such a good job, and the newcomer, Zeke Jones, who has just replaced old Salvatore Minelli as the company barber in the shop on the third floor of headquarters, and what does he know?


For New Year’s Day, only, the Hamptons Subway will operate with limited staff. Only half the trains will be in operation from the start of business at 6 a.m. until closing time at 1 a.m., but they will be running twice as fast. Riders will wait on the platforms twice as long, but when you add in the shortened time between stations, you will see that you will get there
on time.


Josh Brownell, Second Assistant to Commissioner Aspinall, has been selected as Employee of the Year. Congratulations, Josh!


Clyde Haverford, our company’s first but very proud male receptionist (who says Hampton Subway is behind the times?), celebrated his 38th birthday at a party in the company cafeteria on December 26. About 30 friends and co-workers attended, also Clyde’s cocker spaniel, and they all ate cake that had candles on it, that read HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLUS ONE  since Clyde’s actual birthday is December 25.


Hamptons Subway celebrates the New Year with a big, free celebration on the Southampton platform at the Southampton station. Due to  maximum occupancy laws, the party will be held for the first 354 people who show up (all after that will be turned away.) The party will also be videotaped and “piped in” to TV sets on all our other platforms in the system so you can see what you are missing.

The countdown will begin at 11:59.00 p.m., with scantily-dressed women carrying numbered signs running along the platform edge where the trains come through from right to left to the music of Star Wars by John Williams. The women will hold the signs high overhead for 60 seconds so the numbers will be seen running along the edge of the crowd reading 59, 58, 57 and so forth and so on. After 01 a huge 15-foot-tall medicine ball festooned with multi-colored sparkly Post-it notes in the shape of the number 2013 will be rolled in along the tracks by motormen dressed as elves, to stop midway in the station and right-side up, after which, just at the most dramatic part of Star Wars, the medicine ball will explode spewing confetti over the crowd.


I know nothing about this.

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