The Hamptons Subway: Week of August 5–11, 2013

Sandra Bullock
Sandra Bullock: Credit: Photograph by Richard Goldschmidt

Riders this past week: 13,825

Rider miles this past week: 121,912



Several celebrities were seen riding the Hamptons Subway trains this week. They included Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Jon Stewart, Hugh Grant, Bill O’Reilly and Jason Kidd. Also seen riding the subway was our gracious Mayor of Southampton Village Mark Epley, between Amagansett and East Hampton. What were you doing out of your jurisdiction, sir?



Two of our seven celebrity spotters riding the trains looking for celebs to report on will be going back to college next week. People wishing to intern for the final three weeks of the summer should contact our personnel department located at our main office in Hampton Bays. Bring references and a resumé. The job is noon to 8 p.m. Thursday-Monday (including Sunday.)


The J Train Express will not be stopping at the Bridgehampton stop between 7 and 11 p.m. next Thursday. Track maintenance is the reason. We are sorry for the inconvenience.



After the successful debut of our cultural program at which the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra performed the famous Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s “1812 Overture” on the Southampton platform Saturday evening two weeks ago, our Subway Commissioner has ordered the rest of this summer’s cultural program to proceed. The famous Chunking Chinese High Flier Trapeze Troop #5 will appear on our Southampton platform on Saturday August 17 at 7 p.m. However, there’s a problem. Unlike the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra, which was able to perform on the platform, with a pathway where busy straphangers could go around them to get on the trains (except for when the cannon was fired, of course,) the 37 acrobats in this Chinese troupe need to get a running start from a quarter mile away, along the narrow maintenance walkways that line the sides of the subway tunnels at each end, which, even though there’s a railing, will require that, for safety reasons according to Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) rules, the trains cannot run during the 45 minutes this act is underway. It’s hoped, however that something can be worked out. The acrobats have come such a long, long way.



Since Hamptons Subway opened all those years ago, local residents who can provide proof of residency receive a 40% discount on all subway swipe card purchases. Last week, however, it was announced that this program would be discontinued. We here at the Newsletter and elsewhere working for Hamptons Subway are deeply grieved at this decision. We wonder why it is so.



Employees at Hamptons Subway and elsewhere in the Hamptons are entitled to an explanation about why we are discontinuing this discount program. Here it is. The Hamptons has changed. The balance has shifted. The Hamptons are no longer Bumpkinville. We are now a world-class resort. And so, we have decided that the discount purchases will continue, but they will now be given to celebrities, and the money lost in giving celebrities discounts will have to be made up by taking away the discounts previously offered to locals. I hope that explains things. Celebrities may register at any token booth by presenting their Wikipedia biographies, in printed form to the attendee there for consideration in this program.

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