BREAKING NEWS! Gunshot NOT Heard at Roosevelt Field Mall

Breaking Non-News
Graphic: Oliver Peterson

BREAKING NEWS! A loud noise at Roosevelt Field Mall in Garden City on Tuesday was NOT a gunshot, as shoppers initially believed. The noise was from a display falling over during a fracas with security and a suspected shoplifter.

BREAKING NEWS! An East Hampton resident’s report of a large adult lion in her backyard was actually just a deer lying low in the bushes. The lions actually won’t be released until next week.

BREAKING NEWS! Dozens of people freaked out in Sag Harbor after finding Mary missing from the village nativity on Christmas Eve, but it turned out the statue simply fell over and no one could see it until they looked more closely.

BREAKING NEWS! A huge 23-car pileup reported near Exit 66 on Sunrise Highway didn’t happen. It was a false report.

BREAKING NEWS! A suspicious gift was left in the middle of the Bridgehampton Commons parking lot, but a frustrated shopper returned to pick it up, assuring everyone it was, in fact, a pair of sneakers from Payless and not a dirty bomb.

BREAKING NEWS! A local restaurant accused of serving human meat was actually cooking from the unfortunately titled book How to Serve Man at Dinner, NOT How to Serve Man for Dinner.

Tell us your breaking Christmas news in the comments below!

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