The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 20 – 26, 2014

Week of February 20–26, 2014
Riders this past week: 4,821
Rider miles this past week: 62,412

Beth Stern and Jill Rappaport were seen alone in a subway car heading from Noyac to Bridgehampton with many puppies and kittens. The puppies were on one side, the kittens on the other. They were very well behaved. Just remember, pets are allowed on the subway, all kinds, just so long as they are no longer than six feet and are either leashed or under their masters’ control.

The Hampton Subway was in lots of the national news media this past year. The New York Times covered the time when we brought in the thugs to beat up the striking flagmen. The Huffington Post had a lead story on March about the tax fraud the corporation was accused of (wrongly, we believe), and YouTube has a video, still there, about the time the light fixture in the ceiling of the Quogue station fell and hit the platform musician (he was not injured but his guitar was), already viewed more than a million times. As they say, it’s not what they say about you, but that they do say something.

At 2 p.m. on Friday, a size-challenged person became stuck in the closing doors of the subway as it tried to depart Westhampton Beach. It took the fire department half an hour, using the Jaws of Life, to make the extraction. Hampton Subway is enlarging the openings of the doors on the front subway car on all trains to better accommodate size-challenged people or any other person or pet who might require a larger door opening.

The whole subway system was backed up for 45 minutes at rush hour on Thursday because of the extended length of time it took to shoot a scene for an upcoming film on a train stopped at the Amagansett station. The shoot was booked from 2–4 p.m., so as to be over before we added the extra trains to handle rush hour. The movie, so far unnamed, stars Meryl Streep, Jack Nicholson, Jerry Seinfeld, Harrison Ford, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Lawrence and Hugh Jackman and is co-directed by Woody Allen and Robert DiNiro. So when they were still shooting at 4 p.m. and they still had not got it right, we just all said go ahead, we’ll wait.

Next Wednesday at noon, staff is invited to celebrate the 53rd birthday of assistant traffic manager Elliot Vanti in the company cafeteria. He’s done a good job, that business about the forged sculptures is long forgotten and we all wish him well.

Those waiting on the Hampton Bays platform should be careful not to run while trying to catch any train. The bats in the ceiling, which we have so far been unable to catch, are disturbed by fast movements, and can fly down and get caught in your hair.

The internal audit of the Hampton Subway’s affairs for 2013, conducted at my request by Dewey, Cheatem & Howe, the prestigious Ronkokoma accounting firm, has been submitted and I am happy to report that for the first time in nine years, there were no instances of embezzlement.

Our diligent executive staff should be proud of this achievement, and to honor them, we have booked Saturday night at the Gentleman’s Club in Bay Shore, the same club we booked nine years ago.

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