Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 14–20, 2014

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Last week’s few days of sunshine and warm temperatures have inspired people to get out of the house and do things. As a consequence, subway ridership soared this week. Beth and Howard Stern were seen on sunny Tuesday afternoon taking the subway between Water Mill and Southampton holding hands. Former mayor Giuliani was out with his beloved between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor. Brooklyn Nets Coach Jason Kidd and his wife were out too, heading from Southampton to a favorite sports bar of theirs in Hampton Bays. They asked us not to give it away.

SETTING THE RECORD
Astonishingly, as the week ended, we closed in on having 100,000 riders in total, something that has never before happened in March. As a result, as the week’s count ended at 2 a.m. on Saturday and it appeared we would fall one short, several mid-level executives, on orders from the Commissioner, left their homes and went out onto Main Street in Southampton and grabbed a random pedestrian who, because of alcoholic indulgence, was cooperative enough to go along down the stairs to the platform and shoved through the turnstiles to make it an even 100,000. After that, two other people apparently took the last subway home, the 1:59 from Amagansett to Bridgehampton, which would have made the pedestrian-grab unnecessary, but we didn’t know that at the time. We just counted them all. The total is above.

LAWSUIT
Three weeks ago, Hampton Subway security officers removed some potted plants and a formally dressed butler from the platform at the new Georgica stop. He had been hired to stay down there by an anonymous billionaire who lives on the Pond and assist arriving guests and residents on and off the subway at the appropriate time. Georgica is our most prestigious subway stop. The problem was he did his job deferentially, politely and slowly, and it slowed our train schedule. Now the name of his employer, so closely guarded by the butler, has become known because Elmer Battesford, the hedge fund billionaire has sued the Town of East Hampton, Hampton Subway and, in New York City, the MTA and all their executives individually and personally for $30 million dollars, claiming that his butler has every right to use the Subway since it is a public transportation facility and his removal has caused the butler personal humiliation. Hampton Subway feels this suit will be swiftly thrown out. Hampton Subway is not a public facility. It is a private company and we only allow on the property those who we wish.

ASPINALL RE-ELECTED IN A LANDSLIDE
The challenge of former Hampton Subway board member Henry Watson McHarrison to become the new commissioner of Hampton Subway has been swiftly defeated. The election was held. Mr. McHarrison, who was fired from the board due to his challenge and his claim of malfeasance and embezzlement, received just one vote, his own. We know this because he said he voted for himself, and there was only one vote for him. Commissioner Aspinall’s campaign slogan was “What Does a McHarrison Know About Subways Anyway?” It was quite enough.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
After the efforts of winning his swift re-election, Mr. Aspinall, who has gone on vacation to an undisclosed location, has not provided us with any message to readers this week.

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