The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: April 18–24, 2014

Week of April 18–24, 2014
Riders this past week: 9,841
Rider miles this past week: 112,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
E.L. Doctorow was seen on the subway heading from Sag Harbor to Noyac last Thursday. Also on the subway but going from Noyac to Sag Harbor that day was Southampton Village Mayor Mark Epley. Russell Simmons was seen heading from the Georgica stop to Bridgehampton on Friday afternoon.

SUBWAY LEAVING
The Subway restaurant chain, which has faithfully served its sandwiches to satisfied straphangers on all our platforms since 2008, may be packing up and leaving next month. Their lease is up on May 1 and so far they have not said if they will be renewing. Yes, the rent has gone up, at least on some of our tonier platforms. But on other platforms the rent has gone down. You just can’t win.

SUBWAY ACCOUNTING SCANDAL
The Metropolitan Transit Authority has ordered an investigation into the private financial affairs of Hamptons Subway, even though Hamptons Subway is a private company responsible only to its board of directors. The matter came to the attention of the MTA when an income tax investigator at the New York State treasury noticed that the reported number of riders using the subway was 1/10 of what is reported in this newsletter. The 2013 return, for example, shows there were just 50,101 riders that year when, in fact, there were 501,010 riders. Total income was recorded as $448,010 instead of what should have been $4,480,100. At the same time, the Commissioner’s salary was indicated as just $53,000 when in fact it is 10 times that.

Who is stealing 9/10 of the profits from the treasury, they wondered? And so the MTA, which has bestowed an honorary membership upon Hamptons Subway, is looking into the matter. Commissioner Aspinall, at a news conference, said there has to be an explanation for this. And he has promised to find out what it is before the week is out. “I am not a crook,” he said.

13 INJURED AT MONTAUK YARDS
13 motorists in Montauk were blown out of their cars and suffered injuries Saturday night while driving along Industrial Road at 2 a.m. The catastrophe occurred because of new high pressure water hoses workmen were using for the first time to clean the subway cars in the Montauk Subway Yards next door. All subway cars are taken to the Yards for cleaning after the subway shuts down every night. And this was the first night the new high-speed hoses were “on line” for the cleaning.

As the ambulances arrived, the workmen told police that the new hoses “malfunctioned,” but a quick test showed they worked properly and the men had simply failed to read the manual on their operation. The water blew holes through the chain-link fence, causing three of the four German shepherd guard dogs that patrol the grounds to run off.

The 11 cars, which were hit, were reportedly found where they had come to a halt all shiny and new. None of the motorists were seriously injured. All were treated at the scene. But all reported that shoes were polished and shirts and pants were pressed and starched beautifully. Anyone seeing a German shepherd in Montauk should call the authorities immediately. Do not try to pet these dogs. They’ll rip your arms out of their sockets.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Mr. Aspinall’s lawyer has informed the newsletter that the Commissioner will write no message this week.

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