Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Banana Boat, McGumbus Drives, Dock Danger

Banana Boat Brawl
Police were called to investigate in the aftermath of an early morning altercation at a marina on Saturday. According to police reports, Captain Russell Abergläubisch and his crew of the fishing boat Peel Out had arranged to take a group of oligarchs on a daylong fishing trip. It seems that when the customers arrived at the marina, they were expecting to have a banana-themed party aboard the boat—they were carrying coolers filled with supplies to make banana margaritas, they were loudly singing “Day-O,” and were accompanied by three young women who were wearing skimpy outfits made with banana leaves and headdresses made of fresh bananas. The young women had been engaged to perform a “banana-tease” aboard the boat. When Captain Abergläubisch informed the men that he wouldn’t allow bananas or banana-related materials aboard the Peel Out due to nautical superstitions, a brawl ensued. Police arrived and negotiated a compromise whereby the oligarchs agreed to drink only lime margaritas while on board the boat and watch the “banana-tease” via Skype, which Captain Abergläubisch was willing to permit.

Offensive Driving School Shuttered
A Shelter Island driving school catering to out-of-state drivers was shut down over the weekend. Established in 2010 by 104-year-old WWII veteran and former tank commander Old Man McGumbus, the Old Man McGumbus School of Close Following and Light Flashing was found by undercover police informants to be explicitly teaching illegal driving practices to residents of New Jersey and Connecticut. Among classes being taught by McGumbus’s school were offerings called “The Finer Points of Tailgating,” “Who Cares Who Got to the Stop Sign First, I Have a Bigger Vehicle,” and “How to Drive Erratically so that Other Drivers Get Out of Your Way.” Police now believe that the growing epidemic of bad driving by visitors with out-of-state plates might be attributable to McGumbus’s school. When reached for comment, McGumbus was defiant: “If someone pays a lot of money for a powerful car, why should they have to be stuck behind some loser in a minivan? This is America!”

Rock Your Dock Off
On Saturday night, as the Nancy Atlas Project entertained at Bay Street’s 23rd Annual Gala on the Long Wharf, anxious Sag Harbor residents called police worried that the crowd was dancing so enthusiastically that the dock was in danger of breaking loose. Police took the precaution of inspecting the area and were able to report that the dock would remain intact. They urged the worried residents to “relax, and get down and boogie with the rest of them.”

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