Proposed Airstrip Provokes Outrage
A large protest took place along the side of Sunrise Highway in East Moriches on Thursday, and police were called in to guide traffic and set up barricades. The crowds were protesting a proposed plan to allow small planes to take off and land on a stretch of Sunrise Highway in the midst of automobile traffic. The plan has been controversial, though two test runs of landing a small aircraft on the highway amidst traffic have been undertaken without incident. A spokesman for the protestors, Nick Stevens, who described himself as a “concerned citizen,” pointed out to reporters that there is, in fact, a landing strip close by and wondered, “Why can’t they just land their planes over there?” For their part, aviation officials released a statement noting, among other issues, “In the future, when flying cars and jetpacks become widespread, take-offs and landings from highways will be the norm. Why not get used to it now?” By nightfall, the protest had broken up without incident. No arrests were made.
Sergio Eisalat, a reality TV star renting in the Hamptons this summer, called police last week to report a theft. According to police, Eisalat claimed he had an extremely valuable egg salad recipe in a briefcase at the house, and when he went to retrieve it, presumably to make egg salad for brunch, the recipe was missing. A search of the premises failed to yield any clues as to the recipe’s disappearance. Eisalat alleged that he has no other copies of the recipe, that “for security reasons” he doesn’t have it stored on a computer, and that he can’t remember the “crucial details” of what he describes as “the best egg salad recipe in the world.” While Eisalat feels the recipe is “priceless,” he placed a value of $4,000 on it for insurance purposes. Police are asking the public for assistance, welcoming any information about the recipe’s current whereabouts.
False Flag Fracas
Residents of Shelter Island awoke Sunday to find that the U.S. flags flying from every flagpole on the island had been replaced with sinister white banners bearing the letter “M” in black. Police examinations of security footage from Saturday night and early Sunday morning revealed the startling sight of Old Man McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran and aeronautical specialist, careening across Shelter Island’s night skies with an experimental jetpack attached to his back, substituting his own white flags for Old Glory. When police confronted the suspect with this evidence, McGumbus pointed out, “in the future, when everybody has jetpacks, nobody’s flags will be safe. Why not get used to it now?”