Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Mosquito Ops, Artists at Large, McGumbus

Mosquito Spraying Mix-Up
After citizens began calling police to complain about getting “eaten alive out here,” local officials began looking into the recent mosquito spraying operation carried out by the county. Many pilots involved in the eradication effort were contacted. On Monday, authorities revealed that, through a series of miscommunications, a number of subcontractors had gotten the impression that “spraying mosquitoes” meant spraying live mosquitos into the environment. According to spokesman Josh Fliege, the confused pilots had “gone to considerable expense to retain huge numbers of live mosquitos and mosquito larvae” and had dropped them from planes into bodies of standing water around the area. Officials have made several administrative changes to make sure it won’t happen again.

Artist Eviction Crisis
Police are blaming a recent uptick in the number of artists roaming the streets of East End hamlets on a change in zoning enforcement. Police spokesperson Maggie Tcherepnin said in a press briefing that “a recent order making more stringent the requirements for approving artist studio spaces has resulted in the eviction of approximately 3,500 artists who are now at large in the community.” Reports have come in of large contingents of bereted painters setting up easels along crowded sidewalks and pestering passing pedestrians to sit for portraits. A substantial group of discommoded Horizontalists were reportedly using an abandoned Shelter Island menhaden rendering plant to produce their large canvasses, which require considerable open floor space. One report came in of an artist erecting a monumental sculpture in the middle of the Pine Barrens. Police are urging calm while they work to try to relocate the artists into resettlement zones in the Poconos.

B-n-B Is in the Air
Police were called to the Shelter Island residence of 104-year-old WWII veteran Old Man McGumbus over the weekend in response to concerned calls from several of his neighbors. After a brief investigation, police concluded that McGumbus seemed to be running an illegal hostelry. In fact, a recently installed sign out front identified the private residence as “Mickey G’s Air B-n-B,” however, guests were being accommodated in sleeping bags on the back lawn without any apparent shelter. Beer cans were strewn about. Questioning guests, police ascertained they had expected a bed and a breakfast, but were told by McGumbus that “B-n-B” referred to “bag and beer,” and the air part meant they were sleeping in “the open air.” Police ordered the guests to disperse.

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