The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of August 8–14, 2014

Week of August 8–14, 2014
Riders this past week: 21,912
Rider miles this past week: 138,412

RIDERSHIP
The number of people riding the subway this summer is up dramatically from last summer. But the number of rider miles is down. This means people are taking shorter trips. We wish to remind customers that the $2.25 per ride you spend is exactly the same if you go just one stop or ten stops, three miles from Southampton to Water Mill, or all 44 miles from Montauk to Westhampton. Everybody loves a bargain. Take the extra stops, on us!

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Dustin Hoffman was seen riding on the subway on Wednesday from Amagansett to East Hampton. Someone who looked like Marilyn Monroe, although it could not possibly be her, was seen riding from Hampton Bays to Quogue on Saturday. Mercedes Ruehl, who will be reading the winning entry in the Dan’s Papers Literary Prize contest award ceremony on August 16 at the John Drew Theater, was seen on the subway on Tuesday traveling from Bridgehampton to Sagaponack.

SMUGGLING
We have two “summer spurs” that take people through tunnels from the Main Streets of Southampton and East Hampton to the lifeguarded beaches at Cooper and Main. The surveillance cameras that monitor these tunnels all night have recently shown, in addition to the usual lovemaking that occurs in the dark corners that we don’t encourage but nevertheless put up with, there has been some smuggling going on. Suspicious looking people carrying small packages walk up the beaches around 3 a.m., enter the tunnels and sneak along until they meet other suspicious people at which time they give over the packages. Then the first suspicious people go back the way they came. While the others go up the escalator—it’s off so they use it as a stairs. What could this be? Packets of Marijuana? Cash? Suntan lotion? We have no idea. Anybody reading this who knows what they know let us know what you know.

UNDERGROUND WIRES
At an East Hampton town board meeting last week about telephone poles and underground electric wires, it was mentioned that lots of poles could be taken down, resulting in a greatly more beautiful community, if some of the wiring went from town to town strapped to the ceilings of the subway tunnels. We remind those involved that there is plenty of dangerous stuff down in our tunnels, including the third rail. We think it too much to ask of us to put high-powered electric wires on the ceilings. What if the wires fell onto the third rail? A giant explosion would blow the Hamptons to bits. If the authorities insist on putting wires in our tunnels, we would do it—we know how important this is to everybody—if our third rail could be put above ground somehow. Maybe on the Montauk Highway? We do our part. Fair is fair.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Ellie Brody-Singh turns 26 on Friday and her birthday will be celebrated in the company cafeteria at 3 p.m. with the blowing out of the cake. Ellie has failed a lifeguard test for each of the last seven years, so works as a clerk in the bookkeeping department in our Hampton Bays subway office on Ponquogue Road. She also writes poetry. Keep up the good work, Ellie.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
As we reach the mid-point of the summer season, I am happy to report that our operation continues to run smoothly. I am very proud of our staff and wish them all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year or whatever they celebrate on the holiday season.

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