Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Dumped Sportscars, Deer Protest, McGumbus

Sports Cars Foul Local Streets
With the passing of summer and the exodus of the summer renters, police are reporting a spike in the number of expensive sports cars that are being carelessly discarded on local streets. “It happens every year,” says police spokesman Larry Frisch. “Come the end of the summer, that Maserati that seemed like a great idea in July starts to feel like a burden. Where are you going to park it in the city?” Police have found numerous Porsches, Ferraris, Jaguars and Lamborghinis carelessly abandoned on quiet side streets, keys in the ignition, engines still running. As has been the case in previous years, attempts to identify the owners of these vehicles have usually proven fruitless, as the license plates have been removed and the VINs scratched off. “It’s a huge nuisance for our officers,” explains Frisch, who says that the local police have accumulated a stockpile of high-end automobiles, most of which have only a few thousand miles on their odometers. Police are currently welcoming suggestions from the public for what to do about this problem.

Protests Over Deer Management Plan
Police were called in to manage crowds this past weekend as a massive protest erupted over a new proposal for managing local deer populations. The proposal calls for a multi-year effort to reduce the number of deer in the area by providing family planning services to the female deer. From the proposal: “Young does who come to our new facilities will be offered very effective birth control in the form of spaying. This has been found to be a very effective way to prevent deer pregnancies and births.” The funds to pay for these measures are coming from multiple sources, including public funds. Irate protestors staged demonstrations starting Saturday morning, protesting the use of taxpayer funds to provide free medical services to “unproductive members of the community.” One demonstrator with a megaphone made a speech denouncing the proposed program, which he called “Socialized O-Bambi-Care,” and was arrested for making terrible jokes.

McGumbus vs. Sir Paul
Old Man McGumbus, Shelter Island’s 104-year-old WWII veteran and dried meat magnate, was arrested on Monday for littering offenses related to his feud with Sir Paul McCartney. McCartney, the former Beatle, Amagansett resident and longtime vegetarian, had recently called upon his fans to observe “Meat-Free Monday.” This infuriated McGumbus, who has long been promoting “All-Meat Mondays” at his chain of discount jerky parlors. McGumbus is charged with dropping anti-McCartney leaflets across Amagansett from his Sopwith Bi-Plane. McCartney had no comment at press time.

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