Everything in the News Relates to the East End

Is the East End the center of the universe?
Is the East End the center of the universe? Photo: nuiiun, Agnieszka Szymczak/iStock/Thinkstock

As I read the national news, it appears to me that every significant news story either directly or indirectly relates to the East End. Let’s recap some of the reports of the last couple weeks and see if you do not agree.

The New England Patriots won the Super Bowl in dramatic fashion. Given our close proximity to their home base, there are many Patriots fans living in our area. The most important play of the game was that interception by a guy named Malcolm Butler. This relates to us because many of our wealthy residents also have a staff member they refer to as “Butler.”

The Left Shark, who was obviously unprepared for the Katy Perry Super Bowl halftime performance, is now national news. It has been reported that Perry—in an attempt to keep the a man from capitalizing on Left Shark’s new found fame with tiny figurines—has now sent a cease and desist order to the man’s attorney. This relates to us because we have many instances when we are uncertain of what a particular shark encounter may entail, especially during the summer months. Of course Katy Perry has also been known to enjoy a Hamptons clambake.

Brian Williams has been widely criticized recently for allegedly misrepresenting some of the facts in a particular war story. This relates to us because Dan’s Papers continues to report that Old Man McGumbus, who is reported to be more than 100 years old, routinely terrorizes an entire community of Shelter Island, when in fact, he is a pacifist and one of the kindest men you would ever meet.

Kanye West has been the talk of the Grammys, due to the fact that he felt Beyoncé should have won a Grammy, this time vs. Beck, for Album of the Year. You may remember that he pulled a similar stunt at the 2009 VMAs, when he felt Beyoncé was more deserving of Best Female Video than Taylor Swift. This relates to us in three ways—Kanye is married to a Kardashian (Kourtney and Khloe Take The Hamptons), Beyoncé and Jay-Z have rented summer homes in the Hamptons, and Taylor Swift recently filmed a Keds commercial at the Surf Lodge.

I could go on and on, but space does not permit me to do so (the internet is crowded). What is important to realize, is that The East End of Long Island is probably the most important place on earth and everything in the news relates to it.

Note: In the interest of responsible reporting, another big news story is the soon to be released movie, Fifty Shades of Grey. This week, Jamie Dornan joined Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show for a game of “Fifty Accents of Grey.” As hard as I try, I just can’t figure out how Jimmy Fallon relates to the East End?

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