Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Valentines, Airport Noise, Weather

Valentine’s Day Protest
On Friday, dozens braved the wintry chill and gathered in Sag Harbor to protest what they called “the coercive and deceptive celebration” of St. Valentine’s Day. Anti-Valentines activist Tracy Lieblos, speaking to the assembled crowd, decried “Valentine’s Day’s insidious mixing of the religious and the secular that is foisted on the most vulnerable population—our children—in the tempting guise of friendship, love and candy.” Lieblos went on to note the cynical way in which “a cartoonish image of a heart, which ignores the true nature and function of that vital organ,” is exploited to mislead the “weak-minded” into accepting a “fantasy of true love and monogamous happiness.” Lieblos further railed against the popular Valentine’s image of Cupid, the plump toddler angel with a bow and arrow: “In Cupid, we have the triple whammy—a religious symbol represented by an overweight child, presumably fattened on an atrocious diet of sugary sweets, who uses a deadly weapon in a violent act to force unwilling partners to submit. Is this what we ought to be teaching our children?” Lieblos and her fellow activists are advocating substituting their own concept, “Building Healthy Relationships Day,” in place of St. Valentine’s Day starting in 2016.

Noise Problem Settled
Authorities announced this week that they have reached a comprehensive agreement to deal with noise complaints related to the East Hampton Airport. According to spokesman Dean Whitaker, the solution “will make use of several interrelated strategies for combatting aircraft noise in residential communities.” Planes and helicopters that used to land will no longer be permitted to drop below 3,000 feet. Passengers in the aircraft who wish to disembark will be allowed to parachute onto a drop-zone on the East Hampton Airport’s south side. Luggage will be dropped separately. Traffic leaving East Hampton Airport will be limited to balloons, dirigibles and zeppelins, which, as they employ lighter-than-air gasses to aid in flight, use quieter motors. “We believe this solution will satisfy all parties involved,” remarked Whitaker, “and will also make East Hampton Airport the leader in safety and comfort.”

Weather Cited
Police cited the weather this past weekend as part of a new crackdown. Citing the weather, according to police spokesman Larry Hirsch, was a necessary step towards getting it to change course. “The weather just has to stop,” Hirsch stated, “and the sooner the better. It’s in the single digits! Have you seen that snow? Now we plan to do something about it.” Hirsch offered no specifics.

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