I am not imagining things…
Recently I was released from a skilled nursing facility after six months of care and physical therapy following a leg surgery. I never really paid attention to food commercials on TV before, but it seemed like there was a lot of them. I admit that there’s a remote chance that my low-salt, low-calorie, low-flavor diet might have raised my awareness a bit. As I looked at my one scoop of canned string beans, one scoop of instant mashed potatoes, and one slice of what might have been beef or pork, and lime Jell-O dessert, I began to realize that the food commercials were talking to me specifically.
I noticed that all the foods I love seemed to be on sale everywhere. Two-for-one specials, all-you-can-eat buffets, eat six lobsters get the seventh free, etc. It was like restaurants felt safe to have all these great sales because they knew I couldn’t get there. Red Lobster in particular. They have always had it in for me. The saw their chance to get me back for all the shrimp and biscuits I wrapped in their napkins and slipped in my purse. Or the four lobsters mother and I smuggled out in our tote bags. Or the time we used her diabetic syringes to mainline garlic butter. That’s what Red Lobster does to people—they get you hooked on their delicious seafood then torture you when you’re stuck in a hospital and can’t get to them.
Paranoid, you say? Oh, I think not. The next time you’re in a hospital, you see how many commercials they run. Fortunately, I managed to make a quick stop at a Red Lobster on my trip home, and I think the world is safer for it.
“Chief, this is Matt Johnson, calling in the report on the event here. Apparently, a large woman was being taken via stretcher from the hospital when she suddenly grabbed the EMT’s stethoscope and wrapped the tubing around his neck. She held him hostage and demanded to be taken to Red Lobster. When they got there, she had them take her out of the ambulance on the stretcher and rush the doors. Upon entry, she began yelling, “Turn over the shrimp and nobody gets hurt!” They gave her all the shrimp they could find and one slipped and fell on the floor and she dove off the stretcher to get it. Once she was on the floor, the guys saw their opportunity to lure her back into the ambulance.
They lined up lobsters about three feet apart all the way out the door, and up the little ramp to the ambulance. They waved a lobster tail under her nose till she caught the scent. Then she just undulated like a sea lion crossing the beach, from lobster to lobster until she got to the ramp. At that point they hooked a winch to the wench, greased up her sides with garlic butter and pulled her on board. She was clutching lobster husks and had pieces of shrimp in her hair when we closed the doors. She was mumbling “Ha, ha, the commercials didn’t get me, ha, ha, I’m still sane.”
The ambulance crew said they got her home safely, but when her mother saw the empty shrimp and lobster shells, she wanted to know where her doggie bag was. The mother threatened the driver with her cane. She demanded to be taken somewhere for shrimp chow mein, the guy hit the gas and spun her off the rig. I don’t like to judge, Chief, but I’m telling you, something is wrong with these people.
P.S. On a serious note to those of us who battle weight, don’t give up. Keep chipping away at it. In 2014, I lost 139 pounds without surgery. For me, smaller portions and my discovery that Welch’s grape juice kills my appetite made all the difference. Only 600 pounds to go and I can fit into a circus tent again.