Hamptons Police Blotter: Bird Noise, McGumbus Runs

Annoying bird song Police Blotter
Photo: Vassiliy Vishnevskiy, PeterPolak, bagotaj/iStock/Thinkstock

Bird Noise Provokes Ire
Police were called in to control crowds in Sag Harbor as a group of activists overflowed a local meeting to complain about bird noise. This year the anti-bird crowds seemed particularly irate that nothing seems to have been done to address the problem. Nat Fleetic, a leader of the bird noise awareness group Feathered Fiends, bemoaned this lack of progress towards bird-lnoise abatement at a news conference held after the meeting. “We forget during the quiet winter months the incessant racket that birds can make out here,” Fleetic explained. “Then, every year, spring comes and all of a sudden we’re being woken up every morning by these low-flying noise machines. By the time the summer comes along you can’t get a moment’s peace!” Feathered Fiends has circulated what they believe is a comprehensive plan for reducing bird noise. According to Fleetic, the plan has three interrelated parts. “First, we need to make the East End less hospitable to these loud birds. Therefore, we propose the further eradication of local forests and wetlands that provide welcome habitats for these beaked menaces. Second, we propose bringing in teams of veterinarians to capture birds and perform a simple, painless surgery to silence them. Third, we would like to explore the possibility of banning all bird song before 9 a.m.” According to Fleetic, officials promised to give these proposals careful consideration, and the meeting broke up without incident.

Captive Audience
Police are looking into accusations that the seemingly enthusiastic audience members at Old Man McGumbus’s recent rally to announce his candidacy for president were actually students being held prisoner and being forced to clap and cheer. McGumbus, Shelter Island’s 104-year-old WWII veteran and the inventor of the McGumbinator—a revolutionary machine that can turn a living steer into beef jerky in less than 23 minutes—staged his announcement rally at the Institute for Dried Meat (IDM), a school in Saskatchewan, Canada that McGumbus founded with investors from Russia and North Korea. Students at IDM, who made up the bulk of the audience for McGumbus’s announcement, reported later that McGumbus threatened them with serious punishments—including having to clean the school’s 15 McGumbinators, or eat the products they produce—if they did not attend the rally and “show McGumbus the love.” All 65 of IDM’s students attended the rally rather than face punishment, and were forced to cheer as McGumbus tried to sing “Imagine.” Police are debating whether to bring charges of coercion against the McGumbus campaign.

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