The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: April 3–9, 2015

Week of April 3–9, 2015
Riders this past week: 7,412
Rider miles this past week: 83,123

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Bob Balaban was seen riding the Hamptons Subway between Southampton and Water Mill editing the manuscript for a play, which, according to our spotter, is the one he’s directing at Bay Street Theater. Mercedes Ruehl was seen in East Hampton waiting for a westbound subway. She was carrying one of her husband’s paintings. Kim Kardashian was seen on the train headed for North Sea from Noyac.

CHOCOLATE
Riders on the F Train eastbound between Quogue and Quiogue reported last Friday afternoon that three passengers were giving out free samples of foil-wrapped dark chocolate from Georgica Chocolate, a firm that has just gone into business in Hampton Bays. As giving out free samples is against the rules of Hamptons Subway, subway police were sent out to investigate, but reported back that the pretty young women denied they were giving out samples but instead were making gifts to friends new and old and offered the officers some chocolate as a gift. The officers reported that it was excellent chocolate and Paula, Chrystal and Edna are good people and in return they gave them small surplus subway police shields with their compliments. The officers have been charged with incompetence, but Commissioner Aspinall, who himself was gifted several pieces of chocolate on the subway by the women, granted the subway policemen a reprieve after in return gifting the young women some butterscotch cookies his wife had baked.

HELIUM BALLOONS CAUSE DELAY
A 20-minute westbound delay at the Southampton Station was caused by a party planner carrying hundreds of white helium balloons reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY, who came onto the lead car Saturday at 5 p.m., after which the train simply refused to move, regardless of how the motorman at the front of that car dialed up the accelerator. It was soon found that the helium in the balloons had caused the train car to lift off the tracks several inches resulting in the train spinning its wheels. The trainman opened some of the subway car windows, and, using the sharp knife he carries, popped all the balloons which solved the problem by settling the car down, although the party planner complained bitterly in a high squeaky voice. There are reasons we have rules against carrying helium balloons on the subway, as this demonstrates.

POLITENESS
Our new marketing director, Ted Friendly, has had posters made for use inside the subway cars above the windows when no advertising has been sold. Instead of a blank spot up there, the company posters have the Hamptons Subway logo in one corner and various phrases urging good behavior in large letters above. They read SAY PLEASE and SAY THANK YOU and TAKE A LITTLE BOW and SMILE AT YOUR NEIGHBOR and COURTESY IS CONTAGIOUS and BE NICE and THANK YOU FOR GIVING UP YOUR SEAT TO THE ELDERLY. It seems to have helped.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
With the arrival of spring, we have begun to see the usual sort of happy new behavior on the subway system. Don’t forget that the subway is always available as a venue for small parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs and even wakes, although no alcohol is allowed on the subway system. No dogs either, unless they are under 15 pounds. Remember, Hamptons Subway is “with it” when it comes to the latest fads and fashions. Music is always welcome, although not above 55 decibels. (Decibel meters are above the doors in every car.)

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