Week of April 24–30, 2015
Riders this past week: 14,733
Rider miles this past week: 126,365
DOWN IN THE TUBE
Louis CK was seen Monday sitting by himself giggling in a subway car heading from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton. What was that all about? Radio commentators Howard Stern and Pia Lindstrom were on two separate subway rides, Howard from Southampton to Water Mill and Pia from Westhampton Beach to Quiogue, but both on Thursday at 3:45 p.m. (Way to go, Hamptons Subway Spotter Team!)
Last Saturday was the busiest April day the subway system has ever had seen. At 2 p.m., the temperature was 67°, the sun was shining and the birds were chirping, and we wonder why anybody would want to get out of the house and go down into the dark subway system for a ride, but that’s what they did.
ANTIQUE BREAKFRONT DELAY
A very determined woman tried to bring a carved mahogany Queen Anne breakfront onto the subway at the East Hampton station on Friday at 7 p.m. but could not get it to fit through the sliding doors. She was very angry about it, and told our people that if it could get down the escalator then it should be able to fit into the subway or there should be a sign about it. She delayed things 10 minutes, at which time she persuaded strangers, over the protests of Subway employees, to strap it to the roof of the lead car. Now, two weeks later, she has filed a lawsuit against Hamptons Subway for destroying her supposedly half-million-dollar antique breakfront when it shattered while crashing into the underside of the tunnel ceiling after the train left the station, which we warned her would happen. Some people just don’t take no for an answer.
RULES ABOUT PETS
This is probably a good time to write about pets on the subway. Pets at first were not allowed, then they were allowed, now they are allowed but only if they are cute.
On Monday, one passenger brought a baby deer onto a subway car on a leash at 10 a.m. in Amagansett. That was just fine. She had these beautiful flashing eyes. Fluffy dogs are fine. Pretty cats are fine. Tropical birds are fine. Not fine are snakes, spiders, lizards, armadillos and porcupines. Also not fine are cute pets that bite people, such as bears, leopards and seals. If you are unsure whether your pet can qualify on the cuteness meter, send us a picture to review at firstname.lastname@example.org and we will render a decision. Also enclose an affidavit signed by the owner and witnessed by a notary public to the effect that your pet—send in its name—has never bitten anybody.
POT OF GOLD FOUND
On Monday, April 20, at 5:15 p.m. in the afternoon, subway employees found a big pot of gold at the dead end of the tracks at the last stop at the Montauk Lighthouse. If this is your pot of gold, or if you think it is your pot of gold, please call Erika at the Hamptons Subway Lost and Found Office on the fourth floor of the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays. If no one claims the pot of gold by May 1, we intend to keep it.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
May 2 is the anniversary of the birth of Ivan Kratz, the founder of Hamptons Subway and on that day beginning at 9 a.m., employees of the subway will give out Mallomars to all customers who come through the turnstiles for as long as they last. Mallomars were Ivan Kratz’s favorite cookie.