Sheltered Islander

Sheltered Islander: 7 Tips for Bed and Blanket Dominance

Maya Angelou said you can tell a lot about a person from the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. To this list I will add sharing covers on a bed.

As winter transitions into spring, it is hard to know from one night to the next how many covers you need on the bed. Along with sheets and comforter, you may or may not need an extra blanket, knit throw or quilt. The ideal is that we share bed covers politely and equally. Here is a comprehensive list of suggestions to keep that relationship civil.

1. If you’re going through menopause, and need to sleep on an ice block with the window open, have the decency to help your partner pile up all available covers and a small space heater on their side of the bed.

2. If you have an apnea alarm, either give your partner ear plugs or help them wrap pillows around their head.

3. It is considered rude to wait until your partner is asleep to then grab a corner of the covers, and with one good stretch of your arm, steal the covers off of them and cocoon them around you.

4. If you wake up freezing because some selfish person has robbed you of your covers, you are officially authorized to do a maneuver known as the split steal-back. This is where you yank the top quilt off of them and wrap it around yourself, thereby leaving them to sleep in the sheets.

5. If you wake up covered only in sheets because your partner has pulled the split steal-back maneuver, you should simply grab the extra blankets on the chair, wrap them over yourself and go back to sleep.

6. It is worth noting that the spin-her-out maneuver is considered a dishonorable tactic in most circles. This involves yanking the covers off in such a way that your partner half-spins, half-slides, down off the bed.

7. If you wake up on the floor and sense your partner is faking being asleep in the hope you will not bother him and just go to sleep somewhere else, you have a few options. Option A: Give up, and go sleep in the guest bedroom. This is an honorable retreat. Option B: Wake them up and insist on reorganizing the bed in the middle of the night and try to go back to bed as if it were a do-over. Option C: Least honorable, but most emotionally satisfying, is to grab a pillow and begin to beat your selfish partner. If you’re loud enough, you can get the kids involved or entertain the neighbors. Strikes to the head and stomach typically yield the best results.

If you chose Option C of Tip 7, the winner of the pillow fight will then be authorized to wait until the loser is asleep, then pull the pillow over his face until he is unconscious. At that point, the winner can push the unconscious body off the bed and try to get some sleep.

These are just a few suggestions to help keep your relationship healthy and help you demonstrate how much you care for each other. And if that fails, you can continue to fight over coffee in the morning.

Lullaby and goodnight.

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