Dan Rattiner's Stories

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 15–21, 2015

Week of May 15–21, 2015
Riders this past week: 21,433
Rider miles this past week: 174,422

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Debbie Harry was seen again using the subway between Georgica and East Hampton. This time it was on a Thursday. Ron Delsener was seen talking to Sting on the subway between Amagansett and East Hampton on Monday. Town Supervisor Larry Cantwell was seen riding the subway between Bridgehampton and Water Mill on Tuesday. He said he wanted to see if the subway offered the same good service outside of his East Hampton Town jurisdiction as in it.

MASH FLOB SETS RECORD
A record number of people were down on the platforms of the Hamptons Subway this week, more than at any time since the subway was opened. Most of them came last Thursday between 3 p.m. and 4 p.m. when there were so many on board and on the platforms that we had to call the police to get everybody untangled. No subway trains could run during that hour either. The tracks were jammed with people too. The cause of it, we learned later, was a call using social media for a “mash flob” on our system at that hour, dreamed up by our new Marketing Director J. Howard Hickkock. But as our Commissioner said about this enormous success, “well it didn’t matter they didn’t go anywhere, at least they paid to get in.” Hickkock claims to have thought up the idea of “mash flob,” which he says he is applying to patent. He also asked for a raise, which the Commissioner, out of hand, denied. He’s only been with us for one week. According to his résumé, he was formerly the subway marketing director for Sao Paulo, Brazil, the largest subway system in the world, and before that he was an aide to Barack Obama on South American affairs. We have been unable to confirm either of these reports so far, but with this dramatic success, who could doubt him?

BRIGHTER LIGHTING IN TUNNELS
The light bulbs in all the subway tunnels were replaced last Wednesday with new lights that produce three times as many lumens using the same amount of electricity as the old light bulbs. The new light bulbs have been made necessary because last Thursday one of our trains struck a deer on the tracks between Noyac and North Sea because the motorman didn’t see it until the last minute, and the MTA, which oversees safety on our line, wants motormen to have a better view of the tracks ahead. So far there are no deer. Environmentalists say the high wattage has scared all the deer away. We apologize for this. It was not our intent.

LIGHT BULBS FOR SALE
Hamptons Subway, due to an instruction involving light bulbs that has come from the MTA, now has 66,812 perfectly good almost new light bulbs for sale. They were, in fact, just four days old when the new instruction came down, so you can almost consider them new. The bulbs are 125-watt, wide mogul base and frosted. Subway paid $66,812 for the bulbs, and we have the receipt from Herrick Hardware in Southampton to prove it. Best offer over $100 by next Monday at noon gets them. You must take them all. They are loose, 30 bulbs in each of 210 burlap potato bags, and the buyer must have them out by midnight. You’ll need a 1-ton van. And they are being sold as is. No refunds.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Readers will have to go without my column this week. I’ve been too busy. Use an old column, at least five years old. Nobody will remember it.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

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