A Selection of Rejected Dan’s Papers Classified Ads

Rejected Dan's Papers Classifieds
Rejected Dan's Papers Classifieds, Photo: Zoonar RF/Zoonar/Thinkstock

For more than 50 years, Dan’s Papers has informed, amused and entertained its readers. Of course, that would not have been possible without the support of the thousands of quality advertisers who choose to use it to get their name or message across.

However, over the decades, Dan has chosen to refuse numerous requests for paid publication. And this goes to the core of the ethics and morality of the man whose name is on the paper. Here is a selection of the many classified advertisements refused by Dan’s Papers over the years. In the interest of privacy, we have deleted the contact information.

1993: Wanted—Patient woman to spend 1–2 hours per day at our Southampton home listening to my husband complain. $16 per hour and free psychiatric counseling. That should take care of you, Phillip!

1968: Needed—Someone to marry my 34-year-old daughter who has a degree in laziness. Large dowry included.

1974: Reward—Would the owner of a green Maverick, who dropped my 15-year-old daughter off at 4 a.m. on October 22 on Sylvan Avenue please contact me. You are not in trouble—she thinks she left her retainer in your car and it is very expensive.

2012: Found—Standard poodle wearing 2–3-carat diamond earring in Water Mill. Diamond was missing when found.

2014: For Sale—Lovely 5-bedroom Quogue home. Motivated hedge fund manager going to prison on September 1.

2002: Wanted—Male in his early 90s desires female companion in her 80s to spend quality time talking, surfing and enjoying intimacy. On second thought…talking and surfing is optional. Please respond immediately.

1986: Services Offered—I am a college student on break for the summer. My dad tells me I do not have any marketable skills, however I disagree. I am proficient in skateboarding, Jell-O shots and the cultivation of dorm herbs.

1984: Town of Southampton needs qualified person to parade around as town mascot from Memorial Day to Labor Day. Must be willing to wear 40-pound butt-face costume 6–8 hours per day.

1969: Free Base Baptist Church of East Hampton welcomes new visitors. Services at midnight.

1964: Hamptons hospital seeks surgeon. Great pay and benefits. No experience necessary.

1977: Looking for someone to do yard work and light housekeeping. Must have bikini.

2015: Hamptons airport seeks air noise abatement officer. Earmuffs provided.

And there you have it. But there was one ad that slipped through the censors while Dan was on vacation:

1970: Experience the beauty of Southeast Asia. We are seeking healthy, physically fit young men who like to travel. Gun included. Contact Uncle Sam.

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