Hamptons Police Warn of Disco Zombies & Living Undead

Hamptons Police responded to reports of a zombie in Sag Harbor
Hamptons Police say this "zombie" was actually a vegan in Sag Harbor, Photo: leolintang/iStock/Thinkstock, Oliver Peterson

As Halloween approaches, authorities are warning the public to be on the alert for disco zombies.

According to East End Emergency Response Unit spokesman Bernard Lifkin, experts anticipate disco zombies to be especially prevalent during the 2015 Halloween season.

“It’s the 40th anniversary of the birth of disco, and we think the disco zombies are going to be out in force,” Lifkin warned in a recent press briefing. “If a disco zombie bites you, then you’ll be a disco zombie, too, and you’ll be unable to resist the disco beat.”

Lifkin notes that Halloween is a particularly dangerous time of the year for disco zombie bites because so many people dress up as disco zombies for Halloween. “People can’t tell if it’s just somebody dressed up like a disco zombie or if it’s actually a disco zombie, and by the time they find out, it might be too late.”

Lifkin recommends not listening to any disco until further notice. And to stay away from zombies.

Zombie Reported in East Hampton

In related news, Hamptons Police received various reports that a regular, George Romero-, The Walking Dead-style, non-disco zombie was shambling down Main Street in Sag Harbor on Monday.

The East End Zombie Response Unit and several scientists from the Hamptons Center for Disease Control were called to the scene, where they confirmed that a bone-skinny, pale humanoid with deeply sunken eyes was indeed shuffling across the parking lot in front of the shuttered and ivy-covered Sag Harbor Professional Building on Water Street, ambling in the direction of the North Haven bridge.

As scientists stood back and took notes, EEZRU team members approached the figure with guns drawn, ready to shoot the undead abomination in the brain. “But then it spoke to us,” EEZRU Field Commander Don Carlyle explains, recalling his shock upon realizing the “zombie” was actually a living human being. “When it, I mean he, said ‘Don’t shoot,’ I nearly had a heart attack,” Carlyle says. “As any good survivor knows—when the world goes to hell, we’ll fear the living far more than the living dead, but we can’t go around killing people…yet,” he points out, adding, “I nearly shot that man.”

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Local police took over after Carlyle and the EEZRU departed. “Our officers planned to arrest the man for intentionally spreading fear and panic in Sag Harbor by creating a zombie costume and acting in kind,” Hamptons PD spokesman Larry Hirsch reports. “But it turns out the man was just a vegan, which explains his gaunt features and pale, sallow appearance, so we let him go.”

Despite allowing him to go free, Hirsch says the man was issued a warning and asked to wear bulkier clothes “and maybe a little blush” on future strolls.

Read more stories from the Hamptons Police Blotter!

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