The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 27–March 4, 2016

Week of February 27–March 4, 2016
Riders this past week: 5,870
Rider miles this past week: 99,001

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Lady Gaga, who is a frequent visitor to the Hamptons, was seen traveling on the Hamptons Subway between Amagansett and East Hampton last Thursday. She was dressed as an American flag. Rameshwar Das, the Amagansett photographer, was seen riding the subway between Montauk and Napeague on Friday.

LOGO CHANGED BACK
The logo for Hamptons Subway, which was changed two weeks ago by the design studio we hired to make the change, has been changed back to the old logo. It’s going to cost us a lot since all the signs were already changed, but their idea of changing the name from “Hamptons Subway” to just “Subway” got us sued by the restaurant with that name. This is particularly awkward because Subway, the restaurant, also has the license to have food kiosks on all our Hamptons Subway platforms. Anyway, we’re changing everything back and the suit is being dropped. The deal was signed over Sunday brunch at the Topping Rose House in Bridgehampton, after local Subway managers (the restaurant) cleared it with their higher-ups. The chefs there prepared a special drink called the Subway Smash and we all clinked glasses in a toast at the start of the meal.

MEXICAN HATS
Mexican hats with their wide brims and tall crowns have now been added to the list of things not permitted on the Hamptons Subway. This in no way is intended as a slur to those of the Mexican persuasion. Big brimmed garden hats are also a no-no.

CONTEST
Our new marketing director, Felix Bashment, has come up with a plan that we think is just over the moon. You know how children, usually between 4 and 8, become fixated with subway trains, learning all the stops and all the things said such as “watch out for the closing doors” and so forth? Well, we think that such fascinations should be encouraged. Once a kid is over the moon, he or she should stay over the moon. And so, beginning March 1, we are going to have a lottery. Glass bowls open at the top will be affixed to the top of each turnstile. Drop a piece of paper into the bowl with the name of a fascinated kid you know between the ages of 4 and 8 along with the phone number to contact him or her and at the end of the month, we will gather all the pieces of paper up, put them in a giant bowl, reach in and select a winner. That winner, will have the honor of driving one of our subway cars all by himself or herself on its route around the system for an entire Saturday on the second Saturday of the following month. It’s not hard at all. Nothing can go wrong. The train just follows the track, goes with the green light, stops with the red and goes slow with the yellow. Also we will provide training about how long to wait at each station, and we will show them the button to push to announce, “watch out for the closing doors.” And we will put a wooden milk box in the motorman’s booth so they can see over the console. These winners will be the envy of their class in school. We are all very excited about this.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
After we changed the name from Hamptons Subway to just “Subway” we got calls from three different people claiming to be Donald Trump saying they wanted to buy Subway and rename the line Trump Subway. We think at least one of them was him.

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