My declaration to run for President of the United States for 2020, made last July, is well known to one and all. Donald Trump approves of me. On the occasion of the publication of my well known book In the Hamptons several years ago, my friend Mr. Trump gave it this endorsement:
“Rattiner has done a terrific job with Dan’s Papers, and his book, In the Hamptons, is as colorful and engrossing as you would expect. He describes the coming of age of the Hamptons with insight and affection.”
And there is the national acknowledgement. On Wikipedia, go to UNITED STATES PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, 2020. After discussions of Background, Procedure, Impact and Demographic Trends, you will come on the section DECLARED CANDIDATES. And there you will find, among others, a whole paragraph dedicated to my candidacy. They quote my campaign rallying cry. “I run on a platform of peace, prosperity, harmony, the sanctity of individual freedom, the respect for law and order.”
So now the time has come for me to issue my platform statement on the issues. Here it is. It is very long. This is the first part of the statement. Next week, Part Two.
I support the ban on campaigning on Election Day. Any building that bears my name, RATTINER, will have its letters removed on that day, then replaced the next. This will be expensive to do but I pledge to do it in conformance of the law. I hereby challenge Donald Trump to remove his name, TRUMP, from all the buildings that bear his name on voting day 2016. If he claims this is just too expensive to do, then I will accept that he has met the requirements of the law if he simply removes the letter “T,” provided there is no Rump running on Election Day. If he is elected without doing this, and then I am elected in 2020, I will declare invalid all policies and laws that have gone into effect during his presidency.
Americans expect everything for nothing. They are getting soft. It’s time for Americans to suck it up and get things done no matter what. And this means we must remove all handicapped ramps at the front doors of public places all around the country. Everyone has a hard time with something. The handicapped should suck it up. I will also remove all parking spaces for the handicapped. There is no country in the world that has ramps or handicapped parking spaces. Is there a ramp to get into the Acropolis? Buckingham Palace? The Eiffel Tower? There is not.
I will remove the wall around Wall Street. The people of Wall Street, among some of our best American citizens, should be allowed to come out into the sunshine, rub their eyes and see how Main Street America lives.
Whatever ISIS does, we will do it better. If they chop off people’s heads and parade through the city with them on the end of a pike, we will do the same but with a pike that is twice as high. We win!
America and Russia are good friends already. We already pal around with them up there at the space station. People forget that. What I’d do is fly up there on the next space shuttle with our best astronaut. And I’d have Putin fly up and meet us there on their next rocket with his best cosmonaut. We can bring vodka and Coca-Cola and borscht and peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches and sing songs and dance. I’d show them how the four of us could be a barbershop quartet. We’d sing, “You are My Sunshine.” They’d sing whatever they sing. They’re Caucasians just like us. Aren’t they? Isn’t the Caucus in one of their states?
I will, when the time is right, remove the Beltway and allow all government officials the ability to head out, holding their pants up, and see the rest of the country.
The human race is the only species in the universe whose civilizations have created so much excess dust and smoke that it can claim to have altered the atmosphere of an entire planet. What an achievement! Never been done before! And all done by Caucasians. Think about it. Gunpowder. The combustion engine. The steamboat. The telephone. The car. The airplane. Diesel fuel. All invented by White Americans. Take back America.
On the other hand, I have yet to see proof that altering the carbon percentage in the atmosphere has caused global warming. Where is the scientific proof? I have been told by important scientists that global warming, and we do have global warming, has been caused by the emission of gasses from the backs of millions and billions of livestock—cows, steers, bulls and other domestic animals. I will, if elected, require this country to become vegetarians to reduce the need for these animals. They will be slaughtered. And I will invite other countries to do the same.
I run on a platform of lowering taxes for the middle class. To do this, we must end the battle with all corporate lawyers who find loopholes in our tax codes for people who make over $2 million a year. I will end this battle in one quick stroke. No one who makes more than $2 million a year will have to pay any taxes. They don’t now, anyway. This new plan will enable the government to fire hundreds and thousands of government lawyers fighting the rich, and the saving of that money will be deducted immediately from the taxes paid by the middle class.
THE MEXICAN BORDER
I will NOT build a wall across the Mexican border. Or if there is one built, I will have it torn down, with the job done by illegals. I have a long history employing illegals. What I do is employ them, or, actually, “employ” them, but then, in the end, NOT PAY THEM. This is what they get for coming here illegally. And what can they do about it? Nothing! This practice, I might add, is good for business. Profits soar. It trickles down. I can’t imagine why no one has thought of this before. Dumb people we have here.
NEXT WEEK: Look for more platform statements as I expound upon the following topics:
CLEANING THE OCEAN
WOMEN IN BUSINESS
Feel free to suggest your own platform statements for me to consider. If I like your suggestion, I will add it to my list. So now you will be running, too. Just be aware that if I don’t like your suggestion, there will be a knock on your door late at night from folks looking for you. So feel free to use a fake name when sending your suggestions. Share your proposed platform statements in the comments after you read this story. Or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
Remember to use my campaign hashtag #ForwardWithDan