Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Seek Answers in Easter Jerky Switcheroo

Police were called over the weekend as the organizers of an Easter egg hunt in Amagansett discovered someone had sabotaged their event.

Lynn Eisuch, a spokesperson for the hunt’s organizers, explained, “After the sun went down the evening before the hunt, we hid close to 1,000 colored plastic egg-shaped containers filled with Easter candy across the field. But on Sunday, when the children showed up to hunt for the eggs, it turned out that every single one of the eggs had been emptied of candy. Instead of candy, the eggs contained various types of dried meat products, which isn’t really an Easter kind of treat.”

Hamptons Police Department spokesman Larry Hirsch reported that police had conducted a thorough investigation of the site, but were unable to turn up any clues as to the disappearance of the candy and the presumably simultaneous substitution of dried meats.

“We’re pretty sure the same person removed the candy and substituted it with jerky, but I have to say we’re confused,” Hirsch said. “The dried meat angle is usually a tip-off that we’re dealing with McGumbus, but it seems impossible in this case.”

Hirsch was referring to Shelter Island’s 105-year-old Old Man McGumbus, who has a long record of committing crimes and pranks involving dried meats. McGumbus, however, has been living for the past year sealed in a bunker under the Shelter Island dunes.

“Unless McGumbus has quietly emerged in an attempt to ruin Easter for these kids, I think we’re dealing with another dried meat perp.”

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