The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 31 – April 5, 2016

Week of March 31 – April 5, 2016
Riders this past week: 9,535
Rider miles this past week: 99,996

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Captain Paul Forsberg was seen heading from Montauk to the Napeague stop carrying a large striped bass in a plastic bag. He said it was for the Amagansett Fish Farm. Jerry Seinfeld shot a segment of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee aboard a subway car parked in the East Hampton station on Tuesday night when the station was shut down. They made the subway car look like a Lincoln Navigator. Kim Kardashian was seen carrying shopping bags on a crowded Saturday night train taking up two seats between Westhampton Beach and Quiogue.

BUNNY GIVEAWAY
On Easter Sunday, our new Marketing Director Philip Bastille offered up a wonderful promotion for the customers by giving each one a live bunny as they came through the turnstiles at all the stations. We were surprised that some people declined this gift and even more surprised to see customers take them but then set them down on the platform to fend for themselves when they hightailed it to the train. The subway system is now infested with white bunnies, a fact which slows down the trains when the bunnies are on the tracks. If you can catch one please put it in a bag and take it to the nearest food pantry.

PARADE
The Village of Bridgehampton held a big parade last Friday at 10 a.m., to honor the Hamptons Subway system. Costumed Disney figures—Goofy, Mickey, Donald and Minnie waved to the crowds along with Superman, Batman, Santa Claus and Uncle Sam up and down Main Street. We have no idea what this was about.

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT DAY
At Hamptons Subway, last Wednesday was Illegal Immigrant Day and the Subway had these people take over for the regular subway workers on all the shifts so the workers could have a special extra day off. It worked seamlessly and there wasn’t one complaint. The immigrants piloted the trains, sold the subway swipe cards and dressed as subway police to keep order every bit as well as our regular employees do. You didn’t notice anything, right?

BIRTHDAY
Henrietta Backster will celebrate her 46th birthday in the Hamptons Subway building cafeteria on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays next Monday. She worked briefly for Hamptons Subway several years ago as a platform security camera monitor and was discharged when found sleeping on the job, but she remembers her time here fondly and asked to have her birthday here with her former employees and we said why not? A few of us still remember her.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
My friend Barack Obama and his family stayed at our house on Meadow Lane in Southampton for St. Patricks’ Day weekend. While Michele went shopping with their two daughters, I took Mr. Obama, who disguised himself with a black moustache, on a full tour of the Hamptons Subway system. We walked through the hustle-bustle of the platform in Southampton, ate a footlong at the Subway food Kiosk on the Bridgehampton platform, listened to the Hari Krishna musicians in the Noyac station, kidded with subway token clerk Angeline Potassium in the Water Mill Station and took a ride to the ocean on the newly opened Cooper’s Beach spur. We also watched the moon rise just after sunset over the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays, which is the only building in America designed by Nazi architect Albert Speer who did that in 1936. Barack loved it all.

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