Police Blotter

Marijuana Bust Puts Hamptons Police in the Weeds

Hamptons Police Department officials announced this week that their officers have discovered a large marijuana-growing facility in an undisclosed, underground Hamptons location.

The illegal facility is reportedly state-of-the-art, employing expensive technology to speed plant growth and maximize the potency of the finished product. There were approximately 70 flourishing marijuana plants in what police described as “a state of vigorous health,” along with an undisclosed number of small bags of dried, processed marijuana.

“Whoever set up this operation clearly knew what he or she was doing,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said on Friday. “This was some of the finest sticky icky I’ve ever had the opportunity to inspect.”

While the initial plan was to remove the illegal plants to police headquarters in order to be used as evidence, Hamptons Police officials meeting in emergency sessions decided instead to commandeer the growing facility for “police investigative purposes.”

“If this discovery has taught us anything,” Hirsch said, “it’s that we have a lot to learn about the highly illegal practice of growing marijuana. The potency of this contraband ganja came as a complete shock to our officers—in our experience the local homegrown stuff isn’t nearly so high-grade.”

Holding up a sample of the marijuana, Hirsch added, “This stuff is like BC Bud! We feel that if we can retain access to this facility for the indefinite future, we can develop expertise in the methods and practices used in this pernicious industry—not to mention understand the criminals who abuse such fine buds and dank nugs—and that will help us to end the scourge of illegal drugs once and for all!”

Currently, the Hamptons Police are working within the various departments and units to decide who will take on this challenging duty. Hirsch reports that most of his officers have been brave and selfless enough to volunteer.

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