Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 18–25, 2016

Christie Brinkley reading Dan's Papers on the Hamptons Subway
Christie Brinkley reading Dan’s Papers on the Hamptons Subway, Photo: Stephen Lovekin, Nastco/Getty Images Entertainment, iStock/Thinkstock, Vereshchagin Dmitry/123RF

Week of November 18–25, 2016
Riders this past week: 12,812
Rider miles this past week: 82,141

Christie Brinkley was seen on the Hamptons Subway on Monday morning heading from East Hampton to Bridgehampton reading a copy of Dan’s Papers. We wondered if she was reading the subway newsletter column. Hi there, Christie. At about the same time, Billy Joel was seen on the Hamptons Subway heading from Bridgehampton to East Hampton. Perhaps the two saw each other through the windows as the trains passed in Wainscott.

The maintenance department of Hamptons Subway tracked down a solution to an unusual problem the other day. Certain trains would brake as they came into a station, emitting a strange but not unpleasant smell. One train in Westhampton Beach was said to smell like Caesar salad dressing. Another in Sag Harbor smelled like balsamic vinegar. Still another, slowing into Noyac, smelled like ranch dressing. All stopped okay. The problem was solved on Thursday when the maintenance manager in the Montauk Yards observed a new employee hired away from the New York City subway system dumping the liquid from a packet of salad dressing into the brake fluid lines of a train scheduled to depart Montauk at 12:32 p.m. The train had to be halted.

“This man was stealing brake fluid,” the manager told Subway Commissioner Aspinall. “Brake fluid would be low. He’d get a bottle of it from supply, but then put it in the trunk of his car. Also in the trunk of his car were bags of packets of salad dressing he’d picked up free at local delis. He’d sell the brake fluid. It was a small scam. But we caught him.”

Salad dressing, it turns out, works just as well as brake fluid. Because of Tony Bettini, this employee, we now use the salad dressing and we get it free from the local delis. Hamptons Subway saves the brake fluid money. So enjoy the smell. Bettini has been selected employee of the month and been promoted to Assistant Purchasing Manager. And we dropped the criminal charges we’d filed. He was netting just $6 a week, for heaven’s sake.

Next Saturday at 4 p.m., we’ll be having a bonfire at Sagg Main Beach to burn all the Presidential campaign posters that were placed in our tunnels and stations during the election. We have laws that make it illegal to put posters up, but so many people did so, we decided not to enforce the law. Donald Trump photos are being held aside temporarily but Marco Rubio, Hillary Clinton, Jeb Bush and Bernie Sanders will all go up in flames. We’ll wait until Saturday at noon and, if we don’t see a tweet from Donald Trump by then declaring our desire to burn his picture an outrage, we’ll throw the Trump posters on too.

Environmentalists have bolted a wooden whirligig with sails along the inside of the subway tunnel wall between the Water Mill and Southampton stations. As every train comes through, it creates a breeze that gets the whirligig going for a while. Some say the wind from one passing train can power the train for 1 second. It’s something to think about. We do our part.

Commissioner Aspinall has invited his grown daughter and his brother-in-law to be his two chief advisers for subway matters from now on. Although this is nepotism, it saves money because we won’t have to pay Dolores Mackinack, the now-fired Assistant Subway Manager, her six-figure salary anymore. The kids work for free.


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