Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 4–10, 2016

Hamptons Subway salad contest!
Hamptons Subway salad contest! Photo: David Novi, ximagination/123RF

Week of November 4–10, 2016
Riders this past week: 17,242
Rider miles this past week: 92,333

Justin Bieber and Leonardo DiCaprio were seen together on the subway going from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor at 11 p.m. last Saturday evening and then later going from Sag Harbor to East Hampton looking a little worse for wear. We think they were looking for, and not finding, a party.

The Bridgehampton station was shut from 1 to 3 p.m. last Sunday on account of a salad-making competition. Forty top chefs prepared salads at 40 different tables for judging by straphangers coming across the platform through to the trains there. The event was much appreciated by everyone, but after people began slipping on the salad dressing and falling on the platform, the cleanup crew had to close the stop for clean up and it took quite some time. The mix of all the dressings, but the way, is being saved and marketed as Hamptons Platform Dressing by our new marketing director—just as soon as permissions are granted by the FDA.

At 5 a.m. on Thursday, one of our maintenance men came upon a very dirty man with a walking stick, bandana, rope, boots and a backpack who seemed to have chiseled his way into the tunnel through the ground. He spoke an unintelligible foreign language, which we later identified as Mongolian. He was tired and weary but otherwise okay and was able to plant a flag on the tracks, which we later identified as the flag of Mongolia. He was taken to Southampton Hospital where he was examined and released. He was last seen walking down the tracks between Southampton and Shinnecock.

Allison Bayer Walker, the wealthy heiress from Oklahoma has purchased a home in Quogue and with our permission has built her own private subway car, which we keep for her at the Quogue station. Our agreement with her, and she pays a lot of money for this, is that when she wants to take a subway ride somewhere, her office texts Hamptons Subway with 10 minutes notice and the next subway train that comes through stops in Quogue and takes two minutes to hook up her car to the back and then is off. We don’t know for sure when she will be doing this, and it could be either east or westbound, but there will be this short delay at Quogue you might expect and then a second delay with that train at whatever station she goes to for us to disconnect the car and store it there on a siding.

Mrs. Walker requests that you respect her privacy and don’t disturb her when she is on one of her journeys (the car is locked from the inside anyway) and not even wave to her if you get a glimpse of her through the darkened windows, but a little bow of your head and a smile would be welcomed.

I understand there are plans afoot to build a statue of me equal in size to the statue of George W. Bush and Bill Clinton hand-in-hand, from the time they toured the Westhampton Beach station in 2003. My statue would be on the platform at Southampton so I would pass it on my way to my penthouse office in the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays, but honestly, I think this is entirely unnecessary. I appreciate the thought. But let’s use the money on things to improve the service, rather than this.


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