In recent weeks, numerous residents from across the South Fork have called the Hamptons Police Department to report the sudden appearance on their property of large mounds of rotting coleslaw.
“People are waking up, looking out their window and finding that a big pile of stinky, rancid coleslaw has materialized on their front lawn over night,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch says. “Not only is it disgusting, but dumping the coleslaw in the open air violates the Safe Disposal of Deli Salads Act passed by the Hamptons Municipal Board in 1987.”
A Hamptons Police investigation is ongoing, but Hirsch says that initial findings point to a shady deli salad supplier operating out of Napeague.
“We know what’s going on here,” says Hirsch.
Current police thinking suggests that the suspect supplier had stockpiled large quantities of coleslaw in the month of August while trying to corner the South Fork market on the popular salad—a staple of the East End diet in the summer.
“We think the plan was to sabotage the shipments of coleslaw coming from points west of the South Fork—we know that many coleslaw companies were experiencing an elevated number of incidents of vandalism to their tanker trucks in August, and we think it’s probably related.”
Hirsch suspects that when the plan to corner the market and then jack up the price of coleslaw to East End markets ultimately failed, the Napeague supplier was left with a huge quantity of unsold coleslaw and, with summer coming to a close, no one willing to buy it.
“Now they’re just desperate to get rid of the stuff, and property owners are paying the price. But we’re onto them—we expect an arrest very shortly.” In the meantime, Hirsch warns against consuming any of the salad should it appear on your lawn. “Not only is it past its sell-by date, but it’s pretty inferior stuff—I think it’s got pineapple in it!”