Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 2–8, 2017

Official Hamptons Subway photo of Commissioner Aspinall's inauguration (totally not Photoshopped at all—he swears)
Official Hamptons Subway photo of Commissioner Aspinall's inauguration (totally not Photoshopped at all—he swears), Photo: Rui Vale De Sousa, salajean/123RF

Week of February 2–8, 2017
Riders this past week: 271,412
Rider miles this past week: 1,046,332

(Note from Dan’s Papers fact-checker: These ridership totals are a hundred times the usual. Normally, the Subway newsletter comes by email from the subway editorial offices on the third floor of the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays. This week’s came by chauffeured limousine from the Subway Commissioner’s Office itself. An employee who cannot speak on the record tells us that Commissioner Aspinall is cracking down and is personally reviewing all material going out to the public and the Newsletter is first on the list. We think the Commissioner wrote this.)

Commissioner Aspinall was seen in the first car headed out of Montauk at 6 a.m. Saturday morning with his entourage. The whole train was all shined up and clean as a whistle. He and his friends waved to other friends on the platforms as they went by. Seen waving back at the Commissioner were Alec Baldwin, Louis CK, Jon Stewart, President Obama and Mexican President whatever-the-hell-his-name-is.

The annual voting for Commissioner was held last Thursday and the employees voted almost unanimously for the Commissioner’s re-election. The final results were Commissioner Bill Aspinall 102 and Giuseppi Salvatore, the office barber, 1. After this victory, the Subway Board presented the Commissioner with a new red silk sash, the symbol of his office. It replaces his old dirty one. A crowd on the Southampton platform estimated at over two million people watched the ceremony and cheered themselves hoarse. The Commissioner spoke, vowing to “Make Hamptons Subway Great Again.”

An investigation has confirmed that Giuseppi Salvatore, who ran on the Liberal Giveaway ticket, voted for himself twice on two different platforms in the dastardly hope of stealing the election. After his trouncing, it was necessary to delete one of his two votes and convict him for violating Democratic fairness rules. He next appeared for punishment before our new Board of Punishment Deciders. Salvatore’s Subway defense attorney, hoping for a lenient sentence, suggested it be deportation back to Canada where he came from. But the prosecutor is pushing for a stronger punishment, specifically this new painful thing where perpetrators are strapped naked upside down to the front of the lead subway car for 10 complete circuits of the subway system with the understanding that if someone happens to jump in front of the train and land on him, his death would be considered an accident. The decision will be made tomorrow.

A survey conducted by the Taiwanese polling company WEE WON has determined that a large majority of riders would like to see the subway fare increased from $2.50 per ride to $3 a ride. The results were THE FARES ARE TOO DAMN HIGH, 0%; KEEP THE FARES THE SAME, 6%; RAISE FARES TO $3, 64%; RAISE THE FARES TO $5, 30%. Those wishing to see the fares raised to $3 commented that it’s too much fooling around to have to deal with all the coins. Those wishing it to be $5 said the same thing, but didn’t want to wait for the $2 bills as it would make them miss the train.

Messages from our platform suggestion box note that everything is perfectly okay as is.


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