Dan Rattiner's Stories

EEK Attacks! Hamptons Police Roundup Area Celebs for Deportation

This past week, Louis C.K., Billy Joel, Jerry Seinfeld and Madonna were rounded up and hustled off to deportation facilities. Two of them were taken in pre-dawn raids in their homes. The other two were taken in cars while driving around the Hamptons during daylight hours. We are not permitted to say which two suffered the home break-ins, but we can tell you the family members, in their night clothes, led our agents to the hiding places.

This is the first week of the new crackdown, begun as the result of the order from the new Mayor of the Hamptons, Bill Charleston, last month.

The announcement of the round-up was made by Chief of Police Tom Brody on Monday, just after the weekend. He said an attempt was made to nab Steven Spielberg late at night in his home, helicopters were used, but somehow it went awry. Entertainer Expulsion Kommandoes (EEK) agents are now stationed outside the gates to his home, disguised as autograph seekers, waiting.

As you know, Mayor Charleston ran on the campaign slogan “Make the Hamptons Great Again,” and so now that is what’s happening.

The entertainers have been coming here in ever increasing numbers and they are ruining the Hamptons.

“Ever since the arrival of Marilyn Monroe and her husband Arthur Miller for the summer of 1952,” Chief Brody said at the news conference announcing the new round-up, “the entertainers have been coming here. First it was a trickle, then a drip, then a splash and now a flood. These people were not invited. They don’t have papers. It is now estimated that there are 11 million of them, and they are ruining the Hamptons.

“Before all this, the Hamptons was a peaceful farming and fishing community, filled with hard working Americans who had jobs. Now the factories have closed and the farms and fishing boats lay idle as these entertainers, sloths all, have arrived, driven up real estate prices, distracted the local residents and caused everybody to lose interest in what made this place great.

“Oh, there are good entertainers, too,” Brody continues. “Nice apples among the rotten ones. And so we are concentrating in this round-up only on those who have committed serious felonies—murder, burglary, assault. Madonna was found to have parked in a disabled parking spot on Newtown Lane in 1995. Louis C.K., we’ve learned, was guilty of having a broken taillight in 2002. Billy Joel was summoned for playing music too loud in 2003 and Jerry Seinfeld, drinking coffee with a friend, was guilty of failing to pull over for a fire truck fast enough in 2007.

“All four of them have been transferred to the Kearney New Jersey prison for Illegal Entertainers in preparation for their court appearances, which will result in their being sent back to Hollywood.

“I cannot say enough for the brave EEK agents who have embarked on this effort to get rid of all these people. Former farmers and fishermen, they usually dress in the black EEK uniforms with the yellow lightning bolt symbols on the chest, but sometimes they go out in their regular local-people clothes, driving their pickup trucks into dangerous situations to get these perps. Yes, they are armed. And yes, they can tell fibs at 4 in the morning at the front door and say they are cockroach exterminators or census counters or they are here to deliver an important package for Mr. Joel, or Mrs. Madonna or whoever. Once the door is opened, they’re in. And the element of surprise is just part of the day’s [night’s] work.

“You all know these entertainers are among you. Look for them, and point them out to anyone you see in a pickup truck. Entertainers are good looking people with regular features and nice facial expressions who are well spoken, laugh a lot, strum a guitar, play a violin or at any time act charming as they tell a story or sing a song, which is part of the problem.

“While the entertainers enthrall you, behind your back, some of the most evil people on the planet are sneaking in. I am not talking about the drug dealers. Yes, we have them, too. I’m talking about the shadowy low-profile investment bankers and the merger-and-acquisition people that tip-toe in from Wall Street. EEK agents last week followed a trail of wet million dollar bills that had leaked out of a suitcase hauled across the Shinnecock Canal by these vile interlopers and got to them in time to arrest them and have them hauled off to their just desserts before they could do serious harm.

“At Mayor Charleston’s order, we have now got a set of plans for a 60-foot-tall non-climbable reinforced concrete wall with surveillance cameras and barbed wire to be constructed across the entire length of the Shinnecock Canal, where these entertainers and their henchmen wade across. It is to cost $13 billion to build, and it is to be paid by the entertainers themselves, not only with their own money, but also with the shovels and machetes, cement mixers, steel driving hammers and pick axes they will be required to wield during the next few months if—before they are deported—they are let out on bail for not being a flight risk. They will build our wall.

“I would also call your attention to the new agency now set up by our government that will issue press releases on all the arrests made and crimes committed by the entertainers as we move along. Robbery is not to be tolerated. Murder even less so, and certainly no entertainer in possession of an expired beach sticker.

“And you entertainers, now cowering in your multilevel homes with the tennis courts and swimming pools, we tell you this. We know where you are and we will get you and remove you all shortly, to return the Hamptons to the peace-loving farmers and fishermen, the original settlers who came here to flee the King of England in the 17th century and who have worked hard all these years to make the Hamptons Great and are now just nappers and layabouts because of what is being done here and on television and other places by you entertainers.

“We are going to get those fishermen out in their boats again. We are going to get the farmers planting potatoes again. We are going to get the hog rendering plant reopened and the shirt factory re-built from the ruins of the fire. And we are going to Make the Hamptons Great Again.

“And I have this to say: Alec Baldwin and Jimmy Buffet, we know where you are, and the Entertainer Expulsion Kommandoes are coming for you. You can lock yourself in for now, but you’ll have to come out sometime.”

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