Dan Rattiner's Stories

Home Safe: Get the Ultimate, Unsurpassed Home Security Protection

Home security is an important thing to consider when buying a home. A man’s home is his castle. And you don’t want someone breaking in and making off with your most valuable things.

Different companies offer a wide range of different services for people who want to secure their homes from intruders. Recently, I spoke to the newest outfit in town, a company called Tornado Plus Home Protection, which offers the kind of complete blanket protection that people such as you need.

I interviewed John Dillinger, Founder and CEO of Tornado Plus, who told us about home security and the services offered by his firm—and also about his famous namesake, John Dillinger the bank robber and burglar.

“I think my interest in home protection came as a rebellion against my name when I was a boy. I felt the shame that came with having been named after him—he was my great-grandfather. So I worked and worked and worked and developed Tornado Plus Home Protection so I could do the exact opposite of what my great-grandfather was famous for. And of course we are the best at this protection, I’ve seen to that.

“In any case, I’d like to tell your readers that they, particularly when they are not at home, are the most important piece of protection there is. There’s a lot they can do, even before hiring the likes of us.”

Dillinger told me the seven security tips he describes to prospective customers.

1. Mind the front door. Thirty-four percent of all break-ins begin at the front door. So keep that door locked and install a smart doorbell. A smart doorbell can link up with a front door security camera and your smartphone and give you video of who is at the front door pressing the doorbell. Install a two-way speaker. Even if you are not at home, using your smartphone you’ll be able to talk to the person at the door and hear what they have to say. They will also surely think someone’s home and give up the effort even before they begin.

2. Another entry point for burglars is window air conditioners. They can push them in. Consider removing window air conditioners if you go away from home for any length of time. Or have them bolted in place and protected by a sensitive motion detector.

3. Put one-inch cylindrical barrier bars on the tracks of all your sliding doors. Put them in place after locking the sliders. Slider locks are easy to pick. Besides that, they are easy to break.

4. Get timers and “smart lights” that will go on and off at random, simulating activity in your home. Also have a sound system that goes on and off at random intervals. Play hip-hop music on the patio or turn on a video of a recent soccer match in the den.

5. If you tell people you will be away for a week, stop back after two days for an hour, or for other odd intervals. This keeps everybody on their toes.

6. Use a smart app on your phone to connect directly to the specific emergency number your community uses. It makes no sense if your house is broken into in Water Mill and you’re in Maui when you dial 911 after having an alarm go off—they give you Honolulu.

7. Be sure all the windows in your home are locked when not in use—23% of break-ins occur through unlocked windows. Even if they appear locked, get a tall aluminum ladder for the second floor and personally climb up and try to jimmy open a window or two from the outside.

Of course, the best thing you can do besides this to protect your home from burglars, according to Dillinger, is to hire Tornado Plus. Without a doubt, Tornado Plus provides a wider selection of individualized services than any other home security company in the United States.

It is why Tornado’s satisfied customers include people like the following—not exactly them, but others like them: Willie Nelson, Kim Kardashian, Paul Simon, Jimmy Buffet, Michael Bloomberg, Vice President Mike Pence. Are some of these names familiar to you? Well, they should be.

Tornado Basic Service: A single individual with a car, binoculars and a noise detector will watch the outside of your house from across the street for 20 minutes one day a week. Cost is $1,000 a month.

Tornado Yellow Service: Two individuals with cars and keys and codes will go into your house and snoop around once a day for 20 minutes. Cost is $3,000 a month.

Tornado Red Service: Four individuals with two cars and keys and codes will enter your house and turn lights on and off in odd patterns once a day every day for two hours in the afternoon. Cost is $5,000 a month. Let Tornado know when you will not be there.

Tornado Bronze Service: Six individuals with three cars and keys and codes will move into your house for a day and night once a week turning lights off and on, cooking meals, mowing lawns and watching TV. Cost is $10,000 a month. For an extra $2,000 a month they will build a fire in the fireplace on arriving and, when leaving, put it out. Tornado will let you know when not to be there.

Tornado Silver Service: Eight individuals with four cars and keys and codes will move into your house from Friday to Monday every week and have outdoor barbecues, play tennis, swim in the pool, watch TV, cook meals, mow lawns, build fires and turn lights on and off. Cost is $15,000 a month. Tornado will let your computer know when not to be there.

Tornado Gold Service: Twelve individuals with six SUVs, three poodles and keys and codes will move into your house from Thursday to Tuesday every week and have outdoor barbecues, play tennis, cook meals, mow lawns, build fires, play swimming pool volleyball, hold yoga classes, and have a catered wedding under a big tent with a DJ. That’s $20,000 a month. You will be allowed there only Mondays through Wednesdays.

Tornado Platinum Service: 20 individuals with 10 BMWs, SUVs, 3 poodles, 3 golden retrievers and 5 celebrities all with keys and codes will move into your house from Tuesday to Sunday every week and have outdoor barbecues, play tennis, cook meals, mow lawns, build fires, play swimming pool volleyball, hold yoga classes, have horseback rides, a pizza wagon, French lessons, chess lessons, conga line dancing and have three catered affairs a week—weddings, bar mitzvahs, fundraisers—under a big tent with a live band and a trapeze act. Cost is $40,000 per month, $10,000 extra per month to include Mondays. Tornado will only let you in on Mondays if they are not hired to be there then.

Tornado Diamond Service: All of the above, but also fireworks over the ocean at dusk every evening, hourly helicopter shuttles between NYC and your back lawn, 10 golf carts and limousines, a dozen assorted female escort/gymnasts, 200 gate crashers, 50 people sleeping on mattresses, free condoms, four open bars, 200 loudspeakers that can make the music heard for miles, a dozen male models, 100 Porta Potties, seven mud wrestlers, 15 masseuses, three portable indoor swimming pools, 35 surveillance cameras, eight strolling fire eaters, chariot races, a fold-up gambling tent that collapses if the feds arrive, 40 Tornado security people, 10 bouncers, 10 people with lists and wrist bands, a portable bocce ball court, five buffet tables, eight bars and a portable inflatable detention cell for security to detain intruders. Cost is $80,000. $20,000 extra to include Mondays. $50,000 extra for a two-hour private performance of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus once a week. Tornado will not let you in if you are not supposed to be there.

The Tornado motto is “a crew you can trust from dawn to dusk to dawn to dusk. There’s nothing like it here in America, now in a Hampton near you.”

Tornado salesmen are just a phone call away. And remember—when you’re not there, Tornado stands guard.

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