Police Blotter

Hamptons Cream Cheese Council Confers: How Much Is a Schmear?

Citing recent unrest regarding cream cheese policies at local bagel shops, the Cream Cheese Council of the Hamptons was called into special session over the weekend.

At issue was how much cream cheese constitutes a schmear, and how much bagel shops can charge for an extra schmear if a customer requests one.

In recent weeks, police have been forced to intervene in numerous disputes over the amount of cream cheese bagel shops are providing per bagel, and have reportedly found themselves confused by the often hazy regulations surrounding the subject.

Hamptons Police Department spokesman Larry Hirsch explained the problem: “Some places, you get more cream cheese than you know what to do with, other places you wonder where it all went. There’s no consistency out there.”

The police requested guidance from the Cream Cheese Council, and a clarification is expected soon.

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