The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 16–22, 2017

Week of November 16–22, 2017
Riders this past week: 31,412
Rider miles this past week: 100,001

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Alec Baldwin of Amagansett was seen carrying an oil painting on the subway heading from Montauk to Amagansett last Wednesday afternoon. Vice President Mike Pence was seen taking the subway from Hampton Bays to Quogue on Friday afternoon, looking very glum. He was accompanied by three vivacious young women.

TURKEY GIVEAWAY SAVED
As you may have heard, Hamptons Subway had to cancel the annual Butterball turkey giveaway this year because so many subway riders, after being handed these 30 pounders as they came through the turnstiles, filed lawsuits against us for back injuries suffered after they got onto the trains to go to their destinations. However, last week, after getting so many emails asking that we find another way to do this, we came up with a solution. Beginning Monday, subway employees will be at the bottom of the up escalators at all the stops setting the turkeys at the feet of the riders as they go up. As they will be picking them up at street level, any lawsuits will be against a town or village. Enjoy!

JINGLE BELL OOPS
With Thanksgiving almost here, Christmas is not far behind. You may not know this, but all the twinkling lights in the subway tunnels that light up for Christmas remain in place all year but unlit. This past Wednesday, after the system shut down at 2 a.m. for maintenance, a crew of workers with rags and ladders were out in the tunnels cleaning the dirt off each individual light in every tunnel so when the time comes they will shine brightly. What a job they did. But at 7 a.m., a half-hour after the subway system reopened, maintenance manager George Green flipped the switch to see if they were in working order and catastrophe struck. All the lights went on in every tunnel and at every platform, “Jingle Bells” began playing at high volume, and the panic aboard the trains resulted in many banging against the sliding doors trying to get out, but resulting in the doors failing to open for a long time at some stations. Mr. Green has been fired, of course.

SUBWAY SIGNS REMOVED
Last week, the town of Southampton sign ordinance department issued us tickets for having “Subway” signs at the top of the stairs at street level, claiming that we were advertising without a permit, not for the subway, but for the Subway restaurant chain, which has a kiosk on every platform in the system. We have asked the restaurant chain to consider changing the name of their business and they are considering that. If they won’t do it, we will change our signs up top to read “ISubway” or “TheSubway” but that is our backup plan. Meanwhile the signs have been removed. You know where all the subway entrances are anyway.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
We’ve learned that the New York City Subway has issued an order requiring that messages coming over the loud speakers no longer say “Ladies and Gentlemen…” to start things off. Instead, they will say “Passengers…”

The reason for this, the order says, is not to offend anyone.

We have been discussing making this change too, and I have a call in to the Commissioner of New York City Subway.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

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