The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 15–21, 2018

Week of February 15–21, 2018
Riders this past week: 26,345
Rider miles this past week: 100,678

Jimmy Buffett, the singer, was seen traveling from Sag Harbor to East Hampton on Thursday morning. On the same day, Warren Buffett, the investor, was seen traveling from East Hampton to Sag Harbor at the exact same time. Both were wearing Parrothead knitted caps. Also, retired General David Petraeus was seen riding with retired General Colin Powell from Bridgehampton to Water Mill wearing parrot heads on Saturday morning.

Is it a crime to pay someone else’s fare through the turnstiles? The answer is complicated. If the second person is a member of the first’s immediate family, it is not a crime. If the second person is an uncle or aunt or cousin, however, it is a crime. It’s just like with chain migration. It’s also a crime to conduct a lottery for a subway fare swipe card. Here are other sections of this law. If the person is no relation to you and asks for a fare it is a crime. But if the second person just stays silent and looks soulfully at the first person it is not a crime. It is a crime to offer to pay another person’s fare, but it is not a crime to just give it without saying anything. If the person threatens to turnstile jump before they ask for a fare, it is a crime to give in as an accessory to the crime, but you can also be convicted of “heartlessness” if you don’t give the fare and they jump. Finally, if you have an “unlimited” swipe card, you can offer to give anybody you want a swipe any time you want and you won’t be arrested. Unlimiteds get everything. Party on.

For Valentine’s Day, Hamptons Subway placed giant jumbo-sized, heart-shaped Whitman’s chocolate boxes on the front of every train on the system all day Valentine’s Day, which was Wednesday, February 14. Subway riders were free to climb onto the lead car while the subway train was in the station, open the box and take out a chocolate and eat it. But just one. They had to put the top back on the box and jump back to the platform immediately, even if they had a mouth full of chocolate. We could not delay the trains.

A wall of moss that is growing on the subway tunnel wall between the Quogue and Quiogue stations has been declared a special species by the Albatross Society and may not be removed under penalty of the law. We are told it has never been seen growing farther north than Hot Springs, Arkansas. Removing any of it will result in penalties as high as a $100,000 fine and 15 years in jail, depending upon how much moss you removed. You will also be fired from whatever job you currently have and be blackballed so you won’t be getting any new job either, ever.

“Dreamers,” those who were brought to the United States when they were 10 years old or younger, are welcome to ride the subway with a free “Dreamer” card, which will be issued to anyone identifying themselves as a Dreamer with a proper picture ID. Don’t bother these people if you see them staring starry eyed out the window of the subway while it is in motion. Just leave them be.

Manspreading on the subway will not be tolerated, even if the perpetrator is a woman.


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