Police Blotter

Group Suggest St. Patrick’s be Renamed Hibernian Serpents Day

A small group calling themselves the Squamataphiles staged an anti-St. Patrick’s Day protest in Montauk on Saturday, and the Hamptons Police Department was called in to maintain order. According to Anthony Swan, a spokesman for the Squamataphiles, the protest was intended to advocate for the rights of snakes.

“St. Patrick, as we all know, banished all of the snakes from Ireland,” Swan told reporters. “And yet, people celebrate him as a great man. Just think of all the snakes he forced to live as refugees. Shame!”

Taking the issue further, Swan explained that the Irish snakes were forced to live impoverished, difficult lives in exile. “These poor creatures were ejected from their grassy Irish paradise despite committing no sin,” he continued. “St. Patrick’s evil deeds led to decades of dark times for this displaced and marginalized population.”

In fact, “So painful was the banishment, not a single snake ever returned to Ireland, except for those wretched domestics who live out their days in glass boxes, all the while knowing they’re in a place where their kind is unwanted and unwelcome,” Swan added. “Can you imagine it? This legacy of fear and hatred must end, and the abolishment of St. Patrick’s Day is where it starts.”

To make up for the centuries of anti-snake sentiment, Squamataphiles are suggesting that St. Patrick’s Day hereby be renamed “Hibernian Serpents Day,” in honor of the snakes and in recognition of their plight in and—thanks to St. Patrick—out of Ireland.

The protest dispersed without incident.

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