South O’ the Highway

Derwood Hodgegrass Beats U.S. Open Traffic with Flying Car

Elysium Workshop's EWA-616 made its public debut on Wednesday.

Southampton billionaire, bon vivant and inventor Derwood Hodgegrass debuted his new flying car prototype by easily gliding over U.S. Open traffic on County Road 39 Wednesday. It was an auspicious introduction that demonstrated exactly why any Hamptonite would love to own such a machine.

Hodgegrass waved smugly to drivers below as he floated near the footbridge at Stony Brook Southampton, leaving witnesses in stunned disbelief during the seven-minute flyover. Without a sharp edge on it, the smooth, red vehicle would’ve stopped traffic if it wasn’t already in gridlock.

Later, as buzz generated among waterlogged golf fans, Hodgegrass’s Elysium Workshop think tank released a statement. “We’re proud to report that our latest working prototype of a flying car, model EWA-616, made its first public appearance on Wednesday, and things could not have gone more smoothly,” the email to press explains. “While it will be some time before our creation will be street sky legal, today’s flight should give our investors and friends great confidence for the future.”

Hodgegrass and Elysium Workshop have developed a range of unique offerings over the last few years—most of which have yet to see wide market release due to regulations, or in the case of his ocean warming device “Sea-Lysium VII,” protests from environmentalists.

Other inventions include a sleek, tailored suit able to discreetly carry $1 million in cash (which was subsequently banned after outcry from the TSA and DEA); a snow elimination balloon that stops bad weather from the clouds (also halted by environmentalists); a Celebrity DNA Archive designed to catalogue genetic material from notable people as a way to recreate them years after their deaths; and an alternative food source for ticks, made to stop the spread of tick-borne illness.

Following Hodgegrass’s audacious, and illegal, display, Hamptons Police Department spokesman Larry Hirsch said detectives would be paying him a visit, though he would not confirm plans to arrest the billionaire. “One thing is for certain, Mr. Hodgegrass absolutely cannot fly that machine in public airspace again,” Hirsch said. “A flying car has no place in the Hamptons. Things are hard enough as it is.”

For now, it appears, even the wealthiest U.S. Open fans must remained grounded.

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