Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Get ‘Incredible Offer” for Free Interrogations by Russian Forces

Local cops will concentrate on their core mission of handling parking violations.

Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch confirmed this week that the department had received and accepted a secret offer from Russian security agencies to take over certain investigative functions of the department.

“It’s an incredible offer that will save us a great deal of time, effort and money,” Hirsch says. While he did not get into the logistics of exactly how the new procedures would work, Hirsch described the general outlines.

“Russian officers, acting on evidence collected by our forces and also by their own evidence units, will handle all of the interrogation of suspects in custody. We have yet to determine if the interrogations will take place here in the Hamptons or if the suspects will be transported to Russian facilities, but for legal reasons I imagine it will be heavily weighted toward removing suspects to Russia to face Russian interrogators there.”

Hirsch points out that, in addition to allowing the Hamptons Police to concentrate on their core mission of handling parking violations, the new arrangement with Russian security forces will enable swifter resolutions of cases.

“Not to put too fine a point on it, but let’s just say that Russians working on Russian soil aren’t too concerned about the niceties of constitutional protections,” Hirsch says. “Our own interrogators here are constantly stymied and slowed in their work by the restrictions our government places on their conduct: No cruel and unusual punishments, no interrogations without a lawyer present, no use of drugs to extract confessions. It ties us in knots.”

Hirsch says Russian interrogators, unconfined by these option-limiting rules, will be able to extract information much more quickly. “It’s going to save so much time,” he says.

Apparently, the agreement between the Hamptons Police and the Russian forces was reached during a closed-door meeting between Chief Arschloch of the Hamptons Police and Chief Minskoff of the Russian State Police Force, Novosibirsk Region. Arschloch and Minskoff met for two hours accompanied only by their interpreters, and after the meeting Chief Arschloch alluded to an “agreement,” without explaining precisely what he meant.

While Hirsch refused to say if the cooperation between the Hamptons Police and Minskoff’s department arose out of the agreement Arschloch was referring to, the timing of the department’s announcement would suggest the events are related.

“Chief Arschloch believes it’s important that we strive for good relations between our forces,” Hirsch says. “If that means turning over innocent American citizens to be interrogated by Russian officers in the seclusion of a Siberian prison, well, so be it. We think it’s an incredible offer, and it allows us to focus on parking enforcement.”

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