Police Blotter

Hamptons Glampers Revolt at Northwest Woods Campground

Kozy Korners did not meet expectations of luxury.

The Hamptons Police Department responded late Saturday night to calls reporting a disruption at Kozy Korners campground in Northwest Woods. The campground has recently undergone a series of upgrades to allow for glamping—that is, upscale camping—on its campsites.

“Kozy Korners used to be a place to go if you wanted to rough it,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch says. “But Hamptons types don’t like to rough it, so they glammed the place up.”

According to Hirsch, the modifications of the campsites included the installation of luxurious, individual bathrooms at each campsite featuring hot tubs and bidets, the construction of elaborate outdoor kitchens with large gas grills and built-in refrigeration, and the provision of deluxe, climate-controlled tents with king-sized beds. “This was Kozy Korners’ first weekend of operation following the upgrades,” Hirsch says. “And apparently, things weren’t quite up to the standards the glampers were expecting.”

A large group of angry glampers, outraged by what they considered substandard treatment, stormed the administrative offices of the campground, and the Kozy Korners’ management was forced to call the police to bring the crowds under control.

“It all started with the champagne,” says Kozy Korners’ Head Glamp Counselor Dennis Farber. “As part of the glamping experience, each glamper received a complimentary pour of champagne upon arrival at their site. Unfortunately, our sommelier had miscalculated and the champagne was too cold.”

Farber explains that he immediately apologized for the improperly over-chilled beverage and then promptly and publicly fired the sommelier, but, he says, “It got us off on the wrong foot.”

The discontent among the glampers mounted when those who had arrived with dogs found the accommodations for their pets did not meet their standards. “We didn’t anticipate that dog owners would expect valet parking for their dogs’ strollers,” Farber says. “When we announced that they would have to handle the disposition of the strollers themselves, they were severely displeased.”

After this announcement, Farber noticed the glampers beginning to conspire.

Matters came to a head on Saturday evening when, Farber says, the glampers objected to the quality of the chocolate provided for s’mores. “We provided milk chocolate, which is traditional,” Farber says. “Unfortunately, the glampers were not happy with the cacao content of the brand we used.”

The glampers took up torches and stormed the campground’s administrative offices. Only the Hamptons Police officers’ arrival convinced the furious glampers to disperse.

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